What She Deserves
by GeekChic12
Summary: She deserves better than what I can give her. She deserves everything. AH
1. Harsh

**One-time long-ass A/N: So… another story. This one is different for me. It started out as an idea for a contest. I didn't get it finished in time, so I tried to rework it for another contest and quickly realized there was just too much story to keep it under the word limit. So I've been messing with it for what feels like forever and just wanted to get it posted somewhere. I'm not abandoning the other things I have going.**

****PLEASE READ** - This story will deal with some sensitive subject matter and might be hard for some people to read. Nothing involving sexual assault or any kind of abuse. I'm just putting the warning out there.**

**This Bella and Edward are far from perfect. You might hate one or both of them at times, and that's okay. Just please don't flame me personally. Because honestly, if you're the type to do that, I won't respect your opinion anyway. If you find you're disliking the story, you can just close that little box and walk away. No hard feelings.**

**I don't currently have a posting schedule for this, but I have about seven chapters done so far. I don't know how long it will end up being.**

**The chapters will vary in length because this was originally a one-shot, so I had to chop it up appropriately. **

**Okay.**

***deep breath***

* * *

**Chapter 1 - Harsh**

_I groan as I see a boomer coming at me. These fuckers are hard to kill and could one-shot me, but that's not the reason behind the groan. The feel of soft lips around my dick and perfect suction make the sound rip from my throat. _

_Goddamn, she's good at this._

_My thumbs work double-time to make my character duck and roll to avoid the green shit spewing out of the zombie's mouth. I get behind him, quickly putting three bullets into his back and do an internal fist pump._

_Bella pulls me deep into the back of her throat all of a sudden just as a jockey jumps on my back and starts cackling. _

Fuuuck.

_ It's fucking hard to stay alive when my eyes have rolled into the back of my head. _

_Bella's fully aware of this. She's not concerned about my character's life-span at all. This is _**her**_ game. She sucks me off while I play, and I have to stay alive or she'll stop._

_Bella also gets to pick the game I play, and dammit, she almost always picks _Left For Dead_._

_There's no downtime. The zombies are relentless in their attack._

_Her little fingers begin to massage my balls while she licks and sucks and scrapes, and it's all I can do to even keep my eyes on the TV, much less actually play. I want to watch what she's doing to me, see my dick sliding in and out of her hot mouth._

_"Tank incoming!" I hear through my headset._

_Shit._

_There's no way I'm going to survive this, but I want to come in my girl's mouth so fucking bad._

_My hands shake around the controller as Bella's hands work in tandem with her mouth—one wrapped around the base of my cock, squeezing, the other rolling my balls and sometimes stroking just behind them. She knows exactly how I like it._

_Fuck, I want to touch her hair, her face, her tits, _anything_._

_I'm getting close, so I move my character into a corner but keep hitting buttons and cursing every now and then so she'll think I'm still playing._

_Bella tongues my slit, then runs the tip of her tongue around the rim of my head, then engulfs me once again, and I'm a goner._

_I throw my controller down and sink my fingers into her silky hair just as my hips buck and four long spurts go down her throat._

_Holy fuck._

_Panting, I flop back on my bed to catch my breath._

_"You fucking cheater."_

_"Huh?" My higher brain function has gone bye-bye._

_"You faked it."_

_"Baby, did you not just swallow that shit? How could I fake it?"_

_"Not that." She slaps me on the knee. "You faked playing so I wouldn't stop. You, Edward Cullen, are a big, fat cheating cheater who cheats."_

_Oh, damn. Bitch-brow in full effect. I put my hand over my heart. "I swear I'll never do it again. You were just _so_ fucking good."_

_She smirks. Yeah, she knows she's good. "Uh-huh. See if we ever play _that_ game again."_

_"Aww, baby. C'mere. Let me make it up to you." I pull her close and bury my face in her neck, inhaling her scent and sucking at her soft skin._

I'm jolted from the memory when Mike asks me what the fuck's wrong with me. He's holding my copy of _Left For Dead_ out to me. I forgot I let him borrow it a few weeks ago.

I rub my chest with the heel of my hand to try to soothe the ache there. "Uh...nothing. Thanks, man."

"Yep. Thanks for letting me borrow it. It's kind of addicting. Those fucking boomers, man." He chuckles, and I just want him to go away.

"Yeah. You getting the beer for the party?"

"Oh. Uh, yeah. I'm about to go pick it up now. Do I have your money?"

"Jas owes me. He'll cover my part."

"Okay, dude. Later.

Nodding, I turn and go back into my room. Jasper doesn't owe me anything. I just don't have any money for beer, and he can't remember _shit_, which works in my favor.

I look at the cover of _Left For Dead_ as I walk over to my entertainment center. Lifting up one stack of games, I slide it underneath and then cover it like that's going to erase the memory or something.

Not that I necessarily want to do that. It's a fucking fantastic memory to have. It's just hard to think about right now. I'd fallen asleep before I could make it up to Bella that night. One of my many failures as her boyfriend.

And that's why I'm her ex, I guess. Or part of it, at least.

_Ex._

Such a harsh little syllable...

* * *

**Thank you so much for reading! Huge thanks to my pre-readers/betas: Twilly, lellabeth, twilightladies, and LyricalKris! Love you ladies. **


	2. Ping

**I'm sorry about this. I realized I wanted to chop that first chapter into two parts, so this isn't new for those who read chapter 1 last night. But I'll post the next chapter in just a minute to make up for it. **

**Big thanks to Twilly, lellabeth as always!**

* * *

**Chapter 2**

**EPOV**

The party's winding down, and I'm sitting on our ugly-ass brown couch (it hides beer stains well)—head back, eyes closed, next to Jasper, who's stoned out of his gourd.

"Hey, man. Heeeyyyyy," he says out of nowhere.

I'm a little buzzed but otherwise coherent. My exasperated sigh as I loll my head to face him goes unnoticed.

"Did you know that some male lions, man...they mate, like...over fifty times a day?"

Jasper likes to watch Animal Planet when he's stoned.

And Jasper's _always_ stoned.

"Dude. That's a lot of jizz," Emmett contributes from the recliner to my left.

Jasper giggles like a girl, and I roll my eyes.

Normally, I'd probably laugh at my best friends' ridiculousness, but I'm in a foul mood. _Again._

Maybe alcohol was a bad idea.

"What crawled up _your_ ass, man?"

"Fuck off, Em."

He holds his hands up in surrender. "Jesus. You need to get laid, dude. Where's Lauren?" He looks around the large living room of our frat house. "She's always good for a quick hook-up."

"I don't fucking want Lauren. That was a mistake. And I didn't even fuck her anyway."

"Why the hell not? You're single now, dude. You should be like those lions this asshat was just talking about—jizzing all over everything."

Jasper giggles again.

Fucking stoner.

"You're disgusting."

I can agree that it's a sad situation when even Mortal Kombat Mike is getting laid and I'm not.

In fact, I think Jessica's in his room with him right now.

Just then, we hear it.

"MORTAL KOMBAAAT!" Mike shouts.

Those of us still gathered in the living room answer back in our deepest voices, "FINISH HERRRRR!"

Except me. Normally I'd join in on the guys' antics, but I'm too fucking depressed to have any fun tonight. My thoughts are solely focused on a certain petite brunette.

It's been almost three weeks since Bella and I broke up.

Well, since _she_ broke up with _me._ And instead of letting go, I seem to be holding on to memories of her tighter than ever.

Scanning the room with half-closed eyes, I spot Lauren and see that she's giving me the 'let's fuck' eyes. _Again._

That girl can _not_ take a hint.

My dick doesn't even budge for her although she's practically naked. The only girl it wants—_I _want—isn't here.

She's never here anymore, and it's weird.

I got so used to having her curled up with me on this nasty couch or in my bed. I got used to seeing her moving around our kitchen, gathering ingredients and humming some girly song in her sweet voice. And maybe that was part of the problem. I got used to being spoiled by her. But did _I_ ever spoil _her_?

Bella was the first real girlfriend I'd ever had. I kept it casual in high school, focused on my grades. And my first couple years of college weren't much different.

But _she_ was different. I couldn't _not_ be with her.

From the moment I saw her in her Catwoman costume at our Halloween party, I couldn't take my eyes off her.

And I know I fucked things up. Royally. But I just got scared.

Terrified, actually.

I can admit that now. I just wish she'd talk to me so I could tell her.

I don't know what to do anymore.

All I do know is that she's the coolest chick I've ever met. She could kick my ass at Call of Duty and then give me the best head I've ever had, always seeming to understand if I passed out afterward and didn't reciprocate.

She makes blueberry pancakes even better than my mom's, and she could always hold her own around all the other guys in the house, not to mention the girls who always come around.

She's almost just like one of the boys, only a million times better, considering the great tits and phenomenal sex and all.

She's insanely smart and funny and beautiful. And goddamn, I miss her.

I just want to punch myself in the face for how badly I fucked things up.

Bella's distinct giggle breaks me out of my thoughts, and I jolt upright on the couch.

"Where's the fire, prairie dog?"

My eyes search frantically for her. "Is Bella here?"

"Why would she want to come _here_? It's not like she wants your dumb ass anymore."

"Shut _up_, dude."

"I'm just saying. Rose said she's trying to move on or some shit. I don't know. She had her tits out, so I wasn't paying very close attention to her words."

Jasper giggles again.

God, my friends are dickheads.

Hearing Bella laugh again, I rise from the couch and follow the sound to the kitchen.

I swear my dick turns into a homing device when that girl's around. I can almost hear it pinging me her location and getting louder the closer I get.

_Ping_

_Ping_

_Ping_

_PING PING PING_

She's basically my fantasy girl come to life. Tight little body. Perfect curves. Legs that go on for miles. Creamy skin, long dark hair, perfectly plump lips.

And those eyes?

They're so deep and mysterious and _fuck_.

When I enter the kitchen, I go for nonchalant. I grab a beer from the fridge, popping the top off and leaning against the counter to have a drink.

My hackles rise when I realize it's that fucker, Riley, who's making her giggle like that.

She's standing against the wall by the dining table, and Riley's got one arm up by her head, kind of leaning over _my_ girl.

He must have a death wish.

She looks fucking incredible as always in a pink tank top and short cut-offs.

Yeah, my dick wants at her. Bad.

I also feel a distinct ache in my chest as she blushes for fucking _Riley._

Rubbing at my sternum, I take another swig of my beer and narrow my eyes at them.

I catch her dark eyes on me for just a moment before my view is blocked by blonde hair and huge tits.

"For fuck's sake, why don't you just go pee on her leg, Cullen?"

Rose.

_Bitch._

My jaw clenches, and I just barely keep in the words that want to spew out of my mouth at her. It'd probably just piss Bella off, and I don't need to get pounded into the ground by Emmett either.

Instead of responding, I push away from the counter angrily and go to my room.

_Fuck._

Why'd she have to come here tonight? She must be feeling just fucking fine.

Moving on.

And _Riley?_ He sleeps on Superman sheets, for fuck's sake.

Douchenozzle.

Slumping down in front of my bed, I start up my XBox.

I can't play Call of Duty. It just makes me remember all the good times Bella and I had when we played together—her kicking my ass and my tickling her in retaliation.

She has the _best_ laugh.

_Shit._

It's too much work right now to change out the disc, so I just shut everything off and lie on my bed, eyes on the ceiling.

A few minutes pass before I hear a timid knock on my door.

My heart goes into overdrive, and I gulp down the lump in my throat before calling out, "Come in."

Instead of the deep brown eyes I want to see, bright blue ones appear in the doorway. Along with blonde hair and long, exposed legs.

"Get the fuck out, Lauren. I'm not in the mood for your bullshit."

I'm pretty sure this girl is dumb as a box of fucking rocks, because instead of fucking off, she comes in and closes my door before stumbling toward my bed. Toward _me._

"I'm not kidding, Lauren. Get. The fuck. Out."

"Oh, don't be like that, Edward. You know I can make you feel good," she tries to purr. But slur is more accurate.

"I know you can give mediocre head, and I don't need to know anything else. Never mind the fact that I don't like you. But I don't want to be anywhere near that diseased pussy of yours."

"Why do you have to be such an asshole all the time?" she whines. In the next second, her shirt is off, and she's on top of me.

Just as I put my hands around her shoulders to try to push her off me without actually hurting her, I hear a gasp from the doorway.

Those deep brown eyes I wanted to see so badly are there, but they're filling up fast with angry tears. Bella's face twists in agony before she bolts.

_Motherfucking shit!_

I finally push a stumbling Lauren out the door with her shirt in her hands. She doesn't give a fuck. Every guy in this house has seen her tits.

I walk out toward the living room a minute later.

"What the fuck did you do?!"

_Alice._

Great.

She's standing in the hall with her hands on her little hips, angry scowl on her pretty face. I know I'm going to have to answer her, so I go back into my room, and she follows.

Alice and I have been friends a long time, and she hates being in the middle of our drama. But she and Bella are roommates, so I understand her loyalty leans a little more toward her.

"What the fuck did you do to Bella, Edward?" she repeats.

"Nothing, Alice. God_dammit_." I start to pace in front of my bed. "Fucking Lauren. Her slutty ass came in here and attacked me, and of fucking _course_ Bella had to walk in at exactly the wrong moment. Fuck my life." My hands pull at my hair in frustration. "Is she still here? I need to talk to her."

"Of course she's not still here," Alice says. She's angry. I get it. But it's not my fucking fault. Well, not this time, at least.

"Why did she come here? And why the hell was she flirting with Riley of all fucking people?"

Alice narrows her gray eyes at me. "She wasn't _flirting_, you dickhead. He kind of cornered her, and she was trying to get away from him. But you stormed off like a damn toddler."

Closing my eyes, I pinch the bridge of my nose before giving Alice a sharp look. "What was I supposed to think, huh? What was the point of her coming here? To throw it in my face? To show me that she's moving on? What?"

Alice sighs. "She wanted to talk to you. About..." She trails off with a pointed look. She's the only one who knows the whole story.

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"Shit, Ali. What do I do? Please. You have to help me."

"I tried to help you when she first broke it off. But no. You didn't want to hear it. I distinctly remember you telling me to mind my own fucking business. And now you want my help?"

I nod furiously. "Yes. At the very least, I want to get her to talk to me. I _have _to."

She gives me a scrutinizing look. "Okay. But if you hurt that girl again, I will rip your nuts off and feed them to you. Got it?"

_Well, shit._

I gulp. "Got it."

I follow her out to the living room just to double check for Bella.

"Where's Jas?" Alice asks.

"He wouldn't stop spouting off random facts about the humping habits of various animals of the African Savanna, so I sent him to bed to sleep it off," says Rose.

Clearly being an adult doesn't mean your twin sister can't still tell you what to do.

"Wait," I say, looking from Rose to Alice. "Who took Bella home if you guys are both still here?"

"Oh, I think Riley took her."

Fuck. My. Life.

* * *

**Thank you so much for reading! **


	3. News

**Thank you to Twilly, lellabeth, twilightladies, and LyricalKris!**

* * *

**Chapter 3 - News**

**EPOV**

When Bella came to me with tears streaming down her face a little over three weeks ago, I had no idea what to think.

Maybe her father had died; her childhood pet ran away; she and Alice had fought. I didn't know.

I'd never seen her cry like that before.

Nothing could have prepared me for the news she gave me.

I'm a college student. A _poor_ college student.

I'm a senior and heading to law school next year, which I'll have to bust my ass to do well in. I'm going to have a mountain of debt when I graduate.

The timing could not have been any worse.

And I acted like an asshole. My specialty, it seems.

Not just any regular asshole. No. A raging, hemorrhoid-ridden, idiotic, self-absorbed asshole.

I blamed her, which was the absolute worst thing I could have possibly done. In my disbelief and anger, I also accused her of things I know she would never do.

It wasn't pretty.

She screamed at me and told me to grow up and then stormed out before I could say another word.

Less than a week later, we were broken up.

I guess, technically, we were broken up that same day, and I just didn't realize it.

* * *

I'm holed up in my room again, and Alice has gone back to the girls' apartment. She promised to try to get Bella to talk to me. I'm not going to wait for her to come to me, though. I need to step up and make the effort—something I wasn't very good at while we were together.

Frankly, I'm a little surprised she didn't break up with me sooner.

Since we broke up, I've been thinking about what a shitty and clueless boyfriend I must have been. When she was blubbering and officially breaking it off over the phone a few days after our fight, she muttered something about my never even taking her out and always having to share me, and I'd just dismissed it at the time, my stubborn pride getting in the way of actually listening.

I was still too focused on the elephant in the room and what she planned to do about said elephant.

* * *

Back in my bed, I think back over my six-month relationship with Bella. Video games, pizza, sex, sex, sex, video games, fuckawesome blueberry pancakes, sex, parties, really fucking hot sex, more pizza, video games, and parties.

Shit.

Did I really never take her out? Even in the very beginning?

We met here at a party. We _always_ hung out here. I'd only been to the apartment she shares with Alice and Rose a couple times.

If she'll talk to me again, I'm going to change all that. I'm going to do whatever I can to make things easier for her. I'm going to take her out and romance her. Anything. I just need her back in my life.

This whole thing with Lauren isn't going to help my case, though. She's a catty bitch, always making snide comments about how Bella isn't pretty and shit.

Insane.

And she's pulled shit like what she did tonight before, tried to come on to me right in front of Bella. I never encouraged her, but Bella fucking hates her. It's one thing for a girl to enjoy sex. No problem. But when you're going after anything with a dick and not caring whether they're attached or not, you deserve the reputation she's earned for herself.

I wouldn't allow her in our house if she wasn't part of our sister sorority. And of course, a few of the guys around here are stupid enough to fuck her once in a while.

Like _Riley_.

They fucking deserve each other.

* * *

I don't leave my room again for a few hours.

My thoughts center solely around Bella and what to do about our situation. But not being able to really talk to her makes it hard to come up with a solid plan.

Everything is still up in the air, or at least that's how it feels to me.

But she might just have everything all worked out.

Moving on.

I don't fucking know, and it's beyond frustrating.

When I do finally emerge, it's about four in the morning. I find Jasper passed out on the couch. He must have wandered out for a snack at some point. Someone has drawn little droplets all over his face.

Jizz.

_Emmett._

Snickering a bit, I walk into the kitchen, and the laugh dies in my throat as I remember how it felt to see Bella standing there with Riley. Giggling. Blushing.

_Riley._

That dicklicker better be in his room if he knows what's good for him.

I gather what I need from the kitchen before walking quickly back down the hallway toward his room, making a quick stop in mine first. It's easy to tell which door is his with the giant poster of a half-naked chick on it.

Always keepin' it classy.

Pressing my ear to the door, I listen intently for any sounds. After not hearing anything for a couple minutes, I ease open the door and spot Riley sprawled across his bed, ass in the air, drooling.

Sexy.

After very quietly closing the door again with intense relief that he didn't somehow end up staying at Bella's, I get set up. I end up using a whole damn can of shaving cream.

Go big or go home.

Not quite sealing the gallon plastic bag, I push the end of it under Riley's closed door, raise my foot, and slam it down hard.

"What the _fuck_?!"

My room is only three doors down, so I haul ass and close my door before Riley's even coherent enough to figure out what just happened.

Immature? Yes. Necessary? Fuck yes.

That cocksucker knows damn well that Bella's my girl. He should never have gone near her.

When the commotion in the hall starts, I peek out my door just enough to see Riley standing there absolutely covered in white foam. It's dripping and sliding out of his hair, down his face and chest, and splattered on his pajama pants.

I open my door the rest of the way just as Emmett emerges from his room.

"Oh, dude," he laughs. "Did you invite some lions into your room?" He doubles over with guffaws, and I can't contain my laughter anymore.

Riley's still just standing there, completely dumbfounded.

He's not the brightest crayon in the box, so I doubt he'll put two and two together and figure out that I'm the one who did this to him. Either way, I'm tired as fuck, and I'm definitely not helping his dumb ass clean that shit up. So I turn back around, still chuckling, and close my door before falling into bed.

Tomorrow.

I'm going to see Bella tomorrow. Well, today actually.

Everything's going to work out.

It has to.

More importantly, I _want_ it to. I want to be there for her.

And our baby.

* * *

**Yep. You read that right.**

**Again, sorry about the not new chapter two. Please don't expect daily updates. I just wanted to give you a feel for what you're getting yourself into, lol. Although, I'm going to go out on a limb and say this probably won't go in the direction you're expecting. Thank you so much for reading! xoxo**


	4. Nondescript

**Thank you so much for reading and leaving me so much love! I'm glad you're still with me. :))**

**Thank you to my beautiful and talented betas/prereaders: Twilly, lellabeth, twilightladies, and LyricalKris! I appreciate you girls so much!**

**Time to hear from Bella...**

* * *

**Chapter 4 - Nondescript**

**BPOV**

Seeing Edward at the frat house tonight was torture. He looked _so_ fucking good.

He _always_ looks good.

I was barely paying attention to whatever that douche, Riley, was saying to me when Edward walked into the kitchen. My cheeks heated up as my body simultaneously broke out in goosebumps, and everything else faded into the background.

It was the first time I'd seen Edward since I told him I was pregnant, and I fought against every muscle in my body that ached to run and jump into his arms and pretend everything was okay.

My fingers twitched when my eyes landed on his silky, riotous hair, remembering the feel of it tangled all around them when he laid his head in my lap during a movie… when he had his head between my legs… while he was inside me.

The perpetual ache in my chest ever since I broke up with him hasn't let up even the slightest bit. But actually seeing him in the flesh seemed to make it grow and pulsate.

I wondered if I'd made a mistake.

The pain that lanced through me when I laid eyes on his lean frame in the kitchen was sharp and unyielding, but it was nothing compared to seeing that _whore_ on top of him, pressing her bare tits against him.

He had his fucking hands on her, too.

Those hands that were always so warm against my skin.

_Fuck._

No. I did the right thing. He's not ready for this. He was barely even ready for a real relationship. It was fun at first, always goofing around and playing video games and stuff. But every once in a while, I just wanted him to take me out to dinner or something. Nothing fancy but just the two of us. There were always so many people around at the frat house. I always felt like I had to share him.

He made time for his schoolwork, his games, his buddies, but I rarely felt like he made time for _me_.

Sleep doesn't find me all night as my mind continuously replays everything that's happened.

Riley tried to get handsy with me when he brought me home. I knew it was a huge mistake to let him drive me, but I was desperate to get out of there, and he was the first person I ran into as I fled Edward's room.

Hopefully when I physically pushed him away from me, I finally made it clear that I'm not interested.

The fact is, I'm still painfully and irrevocably in love with Edward.

* * *

Rose and Alice both come in to check on me when they get home, and I lie and say I'm fine.

Rose doesn't know that I'm pregnant yet. I'm going to tell her in the morning, though. I'm going to need her support.

All night, all I see is that skank, Lauren, sprawled out on top of Edward. On top of the bed he'd made love to me in countless times.

And I know I shouldn't be mad at him for that. He's single now, and I'm the one who chose to break up with him. He can do whatever and whomever he wants. But that doesn't make it hurt any less.

And _her? _Of all fucking people? While I was in the house, no less?

He knows how I feel about her. I've always hated her. She tried to come between Edward and me countless times, and now I guess since I'm finally out of the way, she can have him.

It's not like he was in love with me.

That's probably part of the reason she got under my skin so much. I always felt insecure in my relationship with Edward. He's so gorgeous and charismatic, and people are just drawn to him.

I'm the polar opposite in a lot of ways.

I guess we just weren't meant to be.

It's pretty clear he doesn't have me or this baby on his mind at all anyway if he's partying it up and dipping his dick into the likes of Lauren Mallory: Queen of the Sluts.

_Ugh._

This only further cements my decision.

I was going to discuss it with him beforehand, but now I'm just going to go and get the information I want and deal with him later.

* * *

When eight o'clock finally rolls around, I drag myself out of bed and rub my dry, itchy eyes.

Shuffling into the kitchen, I automatically start a pot of coffee, momentarily forgetting that the smell of coffee makes me sick now.

The doctor said a little caffeine here and there is okay, so after switching off the coffeemaker, I grab a Pepsi instead and then pull the eggs out of the fridge.

When Alice and Rose emerge from their rooms about twenty minutes later, I have cheesy bacon omelets made for all of us.

"How're you feeling, B?" Alice asks as she blows on her first bite.

"Awful."

"What happened? Did you drink too much? I thought you left early," says Rose, taking a bite.

"I'm pregnant."

She sucks in a breath and half-chokes, finally spitting egg onto her plate and the bar.

"Shit. I'm sorry, Rose. I shouldn't have just blurted it out like that."

"Does Edward know?" she asks with wide eyes.

"Yep. He knows."

"What are you going to do?"

"Well, I actually wanted to talk to you guys about that."

Alice and Rose both set their forks down and give me their undivided attention.

"I've decided to go to an adoption agency this morning to get some information."

"Adoption?" Alice asks, stunned.

Nodding, I attempt to explain why I feel like that's the best option. "I can't have an abortion. I just...can't. This life was created out of love." My face crumples a bit. "At least on my end." My eyes begin to sting. "And it deserves a chance to live. There are so many couples out there who can't have children, who would love this baby to pieces." A hot tear slides down my cheek as my hand rests on my still-flat stomach. "I know I can't raise this baby on my own, and with Edward starting law school, I know he wouldn't be able to be there for him or her either—if he even wanted to. And he obviously doesn't, so that's beside the point."

"Do you know that for sure?" Alice asks.

"What? That Edward doesn't want anything to do with this baby?"

She nods.

"Yeah. His reaction to the news pretty much said it all. I mean, it's one thing to be scared, but the things he said to me..." I shake my head and blow out a frustrated breath. "Plus, he was all up on Lauren last night, so I think it's pretty clear he's moved on. And it's okay. Really. I get it. He's young. He's in college. He should be able to have fun and not be tied down."

"Bullshit," Rose spits. "You're young and in college too. You _both_ made that baby."

"I know." Sighing, I scrub my face with my hands. "I still can't believe this happened. We were usually so careful."

"I think you should talk to him, Bella. Before you go forward with adoption plans," says Alice.

"I _tried_ to talk to him. Last night. That went over just great." I stab another bite of omelet with my fork. "Maybe I shouldn't have tried to do it during a party, but they're _always_ having a party."

"Listen," Alice says. "I talked to him a little after you left last night." I start to interrupt, but she holds her hand up and continues. "He was upset that you left. He wanted to talk to you. He said nothing happened with Lauren. He was just trying to get her off of him."

"Right," I reply bitterly. "It didn't look like that to me."

Rose clears her throat. "Um… I actually saw her go into his room one night about a week and half ago. And she didn't come back out for a good half hour." She cuts her eyes to me. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you. The breakup was still so new. He was _completely_ trashed. I don't know exactly what happened. I'm sorry," she repeats.

More tears gather in my eyes, but I'm trying to stay strong.

Alice lets out a sigh. "What time do you want to leave?"

"Ten?"

"I'll be ready."

"Me too," says Rose.

Grabbing both of their hands, I squeeze tight and thank them for being there for me and then place my dish in the sink before heading to the shower.

* * *

It's a fairly nondescript building. A mix of limestone and brick on the outside. It matches the cluster of buildings around it.

It's not as scary as I thought, walking in. People are smiling.

When we finally sit down with the adoption counselor, Diane, I'm a little sweaty from nerves, and I have to pee. She lets me use the bathroom attached to her office. Taking a seat in front of her desk afterward, I apologize.

"Oh," she says with a kind smile and a wave of her hand. "Don't worry. It happens all the time." She shuffles some papers around and looks at what I filled out while in the waiting room before continuing. "So, Isabella," she says with another warm smile, "I see here that you're considering placing your baby for adoption. Is that right?"

Looking down at my lap and twisting my hands together, I nod. "Um, yes."

"And how far along are you, dear?"

"Nine weeks."

"And are you in contact with the baby's father?"

I sigh, and Alice grasps my left hand, knowing I need the support. "Yes and no."

Diane smiles again. I'm sure she's heard that before. "Is he on board with the adoption?"

"He um, doesn't know yet. I'm going to talk to him today or tomorrow."

Nodding, she begins to go through some information with me. I learn about waiting periods and paperwork to terminate rights, finding adoptive parents, the difference between open and closed adoption.

It's overwhelming.

She also lets me know that counseling is available through the agency and strongly suggests both Edward and I attend.

Lastly, she makes mention of a period of time after the adoption is finalized where the birth parents have the option to change their minds.

"It does sometimes happen. The bond between parent and child, especially after birth, is a strong one," she says.

I nod again. I get it, but not really. After all, I'm not a parent. Not yet.

Alice never lets go of my hand.

By the time we leave, I'm holding paperwork and brochures, and I'm crying. I don't _want_ to give this baby up. This isn't how I pictured things happening the first time I got pregnant. I wanted to be finished with nursing school. I wanted to be married and have my career somewhat established. I wanted a lot of things for myself and for this baby.

The reality is that I can't provide what this baby needs—not unless I quit school, at least for a while. Even then, it would be a struggle. I'm working toward becoming a Nurse Practitioner, and I have several years left, with the added bonus of some hefty student loans.

If I truly thought Edward could be there for us, I might consider taking time off, but even if he did want to be there, I'd never ask him to give up law school. It's been his dream for a long time, and it's _so_ important to him—to follow in his late father's footsteps and work at his old firm. And the fact is, he'd _have_ to give it up or put it off because it's such a grueling program, there's really no time for anything else.

It's just impossible.

This baby deserves more.

* * *

When we arrive back at the apartment, Alice and Rose flank me as we walk up the steps. Looking up as we reach the top, I suck in a sharp breath, and the three of us stop several feet from the door.

Sitting there against it with his phone in his hand, is Edward.

* * *

**Thank you for reading! xoxo**


	5. Mess

**Thank you all so much for reading and for leaving me amazing reviews. I really hate that I'm unable to reply to them all, but please know that I appreciate them so, so very much. I have such amazingly thoughtful readers. :))**

**Huge thanks as always to my pre-readers/betas: Twilly, lellabeth, LyricalKris, and twilightladies! Love you ladies so much.**

**All right. Let's see how this talk between our E & B goes...**

**SM owns all things Twilight. All mistakes are mine.**

* * *

**Chapter 5 - Mess**

My eyes immediately tear up again, still emotional from the visit with Diane. I'd silenced my phone during the appointment, and I'm guessing I have at least a missed text from Edward.

He stands up, shoving his hands into his pockets, and regards me carefully as Rose snatches the paperwork I'm still clutching out of my hand and stuffs it into her bag.

"Hey," he says.

"Um, hey."

"Can I talk to you? Please?"

I tilt my head up and blink back the tears before looking back at him. "Yeah. Let's go to my room. I need to talk to you about some stuff anyway."

"O—okay," he stutters.

Alice and Rose don't look at him as Alice unlocks the door, and we all shuffle in. Edward follows me to my room, and it's so weird having him in here. He was never here much anyway, but now this room feels too small to contain all the hurt that's between us.

Placing my purse on my nightstand, I sit on the edge of my bed. Edward takes my desk chair, and I take a very deep breath, trying to steel my nerves for this conversation.

"Bella," he starts, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees. "I need you to know that nothing happened between Lauren and me last night. I swear. You know how she is. She came in, and I fucking told her to get the hell out of my room. I was just trying to get her _off_ me when you came in. Please don't think I would do that, especially knowing you were there at the house."

"We're not together anymore, Edward," I reply quietly, looking at his shoes. "You can do whatever you want."

While the statement is true, I don't want it to be. I can't stand the thought of him being with someone else the same way he's been with me. The images of him on top of someone else, kissing and touching someone else, smear across my brain, and I can't erase them. I can't do anything but silently endure the pain that tears at my insides.

"But, Bella," he replies. "I _want_ us to be together. I wouldn't jeopardize trying to get you back by doing something like that."

"I…" Shaking my head, I look down at my lap. "You _can't_ get me back, Edward," I say with a sniffle as the first tears fall. "You've hurt me too much. I just don't think it can work."

I _want_ to go back to him. More than anything. But I wasn't happy, and the things he said...

He leaps out of the chair and is on his knees in front of me before I can blink. "_Please_ don't say that. I'll do anything. Please, baby." His forehead lands on my bare knees. "_Please_," he whispers.

Where was this Edward three weeks ago?

Or even last night?

Sighing, I look down at him, and in a moment of weakness, I stroke my fingers through his hair, scratching at his scalp just the way I know he likes. He exhales a heavy breath, bringing his hands up around my bare calves and squeezing lightly.

Feeling his hands on my skin is too much. I want it too much, but I also want to push him away.

Removing my hands from his soft hair with reluctance, I squirm a bit at the conflicting emotions rushing through me.

I love him.

I hate him.

I can't do this. I can't touch him and let him touch me. It'll break down all these walls I've been so carefully constructing for the last few weeks.

"Edward, please get up."

He looks up at me with shiny eyes, and I have to close mine because it breaks my heart to see him so sad.

"Please go sit back in the chair."

He looks down and away from me, dropping his hands and deflating with a sigh, but does as I ask.

I pull myself together as best I can, wiping the tears off my cheeks. "I need to talk to you about my appointment today."

"Appointment? Is everything okay with the…" he trails off and points in the general vicinity of my stomach, and I almost laugh at the fact that he can't even say it. "Or… Oh." He rubs the back of his neck with one hand. "Did you already… um, take care of it or something?"

He looks so lost and maybe even upset by that thought, but my eyes widen at him in disbelief. Does he really think so little of me to believe I'd just abort our baby without even discussing it with him?

"_No!_ God, Edward. Seriously?" I shake my head, and he mutters a _sorry_ before both of his hands dive into his hair, tugging at it. "It wasn't a doctor's appointment. I, um…" I look down at my hands. "I went to an adoption agency."

Stopping there to let that sink in, I watch as Edward's thick eyebrows furrow, and he shakes his head a couple times, processing what I've said. "Adoption? But—"

"It's the best choice for our situation. It's what I want to do," I say stiffly. I know I'm still trying to convince my_self _of that too.

"You just want to give our baby away?" he asks in disbelief.

"Oh, now it's _our_ baby all of a sudden?" I shoot back with a scoff, and his cheeks flush a brilliant pink. "And the answer is no. I want to _place_ our baby with a couple who can take good care of it and give it what it needs and deserves."

"You can't just _do_ that without talking to me first, Bella."

"I'm talking to you _now_. I haven't done anything except get information. There's still a lot that has to be decided on, but I wanted to get the ball rolling. You can go with me next time, or on your own if you want, and get the information firsthand. You'll have to sign some paperwork to terminate your parental rights when the time comes."

I sound like a robot, but keeping control of the hurricane of emotions inside me is exhausting, and I will not break down while he's here.

"I am _not_ signing that. No way," he responds, shaking his head. He's defiant. He always has been. He's the type to argue just to argue. It always drove me insane, but he'll make a fantastic lawyer.

"So...what? You're going to give up law school to take care of this baby?" I ask with my eyebrows raised in challenge.

He blanches.

"Exactly. And I can't give up on what I've worked so hard towards either. It's for the best for all of us," I finish with my hand resting on my stomach.

Edward looks down at my carpet, staring at the same spot for a good ten minutes before I finally say his name.

His light green eyes pin me, and I rear back a little as he abruptly stands up.

"I'm gonna go. I need to… think about this," he says, his eyes leaving mine and flitting around the room as he runs a hand through his hair. "I'll call you."

"Um…" I don't know what to say, but I know he deserves the right to think it over. I have to remind myself that I've been mulling this over for a couple weeks now, and he's just found out that it was even under consideration. "Okay."

Edward gives me one last long, searching look before leaving my room and closing the door.

Alice and Rose rush in after he leaves and wrap me up in their arms as I let the heaving sobs I was holding in escape from my chest.

I hadn't talked to him in so long, relatively speaking, and I knew it would be hard, but it was so much harder than I anticipated.

Edward disarms me so easily, and I came _so_ close to giving in. But I have to be strong now. For myself and for this baby.

The truth is, though… I'm a complete mess.

* * *

**Don't think Bella's forgotten about the other incident (that Rose told her about) with Lauren because she hasn't. This conversation wasn't about that for her. Up next, we'll hear from Edward again as he tries to process Bella's decision, and we'll find out exactly what was said between them when she told him she was pregnant.**

**Thank you so much for reading and taking the time to review! Mwah!**


	6. Dude

**Some mixed reactions to last chapter. This one will shed a little more light on Bella's hurt.**

**Huge thanks to Twilly, Lellabeth, Twilightladies, and LyricalKris! You ladies rock my socks off.**

**SM owns all things Twilight. All mistakes are mine.**

* * *

**Chapter 6 - Dude**

**EPOV**

I can't even think right now. I came over here to try to get her back, and she dropped a fucking bomb on me.

The only thing I can think to do is call my mom. I haven't told her about the baby yet, and I hate to drop all of this on her at once, but I have no other choice. She lives in a different state, so a phone call it is.

I realize my hands are shaking as I scroll through my contacts. Taking a deep breath and trying to calm down, I press 'Mom' and heave another big inhale, blowing the air out in a gust as it starts ringing.

"Hello?"

"Mom," I croak out, almost in tears now.

This entire situation is too overwhelming. Not only have I lost Bella, but she's pregnant with my baby and wants to give it away.

How do I even process something like this?

"Edward? Honey? What's wrong?"

"I don't… I mean—"

"Edward, you're scaring me. Please tell me what's going on."

"I'm sorry. I'm…" I take another deep breath and try to get myself under control. "Bella's pregnant."

"Oh, my God," she says on a disappointed exhale. There's a hint of relief in her tone too, probably because I'm physically okay.

Mentally… That's a different story.

"That's not all." I squeeze my eyes shut, and my grip tightens on the phone. "She wants to give the baby up for adoption."

Silence.

"Mom?"

She clears her throat. "Sorry. I'm just trying to… process. Um. Is that… what you want as well?"

"No." I tug at my hair. "Maybe. I don't know, Mom. I don't know what to do. I just want her back, and I want to help her, but she won't let me."

"Want her back? What happened?"

Shit. I forgot I didn't tell her we broke up either. Probably because if I did, I would've had to tell her about the baby too. She absolutely loves Bella, so I knew she'd kick my ass, verbally at least, for fucking things up so badly.

"Yeah…"

Fuck, I can't tell her the things I said. She'd skin me alive.

"We got into a fight when she told me about the baby. A bad one. And she broke it off. I can't blame her, but I want to be better for her. I wanted to try again, but she completely shut me down and then dropped this huge bomb in my lap about wanting to give the baby away, and I don't know what to do. I mean, I know I can't take care of a baby. Law school is like a full-time job and then some. And her program will probably be just as time-consuming, and I get that she doesn't want to give that up, but… God, I just… This is just so huge." I slump against my car, still in Bella's parking lot.

"It definitely is," Mom says softly. "An unplanned pregnancy is a lot to deal with for anyone, let alone college students. You're going to have some tough decisions to make, honey." She sounds like she's getting choked up, and my tears threaten to fall again because of it. I hate disappointing my mom more than almost anything.

"I'm sorry, Mom. We were careful, but… not careful enough, I guess," I finish with a heavy sigh. "I just want to do the right thing here, but I don't know what that _is_." I run a hand through my hair, pacing now along the side of my car.

"Well," she starts and then sighs, "you've both worked so hard to get where you are. And as much as I would love to have a grandbaby, maybe it's just not the right time. You're both at such a critical point in your education, and if you step away now, it's unlikely that you'll go back. And that's okay. If that's what you want. But I don't think it is." The smooth quality of her voice soothes me, and I try to take in what she's saying and really think about it.

"No," I murmur, kicking my tire lightly. "It's not."

"Son," she says, "just know that whatever you decide, I'll support that decision, okay? No matter what."

Swiping away the first two tears that hit my cheeks, I hum my agreement.

"And just bear in mind," she continues, "as far as adoption goes, there are so many couples out there who can't have children, and for Bella to go through an entire pregnancy to give someone that gift is a beautifully selfless thing."

I wipe another tear away. "I guess that's true. I didn't think of it like that."

"It'll be a sacrifice for you too. I'm not discounting that."

"I know."

"How far along is she?"

"I think like, two months? I don't know. It's confusing. But she told me—" more like screamed it at me—"they add an extra two weeks on at the beginning or some shit?"

Mom chuckles a little. "Yeah, or some shit." She lets out a sigh. "Well, you don't have to decide anything right now, but really think about it. You've got time, and you _do_ have rights. It's not solely up to Bella. Just… think it over, sweetheart. And you know you can call me anytime you need to talk."

Closing my eyes, I take another deep breath, needing a hug from my mom more than I ever have in my life. "Thanks, Mom."

After hanging up, I get into my car and lean over the steering wheel for a minute. I glance up at Bella's second-floor window, then start the car and head back to the frat house.

Emmett stops me as I'm trudging toward my room, lost in thought.

"Dude. What happened to you?"

"Huh?"

"You look like shit. You all right?'

"Um…" I rub the back of my neck. "Not really."

Emmett normally gives me shit, calls me a pussy or whatever when I get mopey about Bella, but he obviously senses that something's different.

"What's goin' on, man?"

"I don't want to talk about it out here." I don't ask him to come to my room. I just walk that way, and he follows.

He sits in my desk chair, and I pace, pulling at my hair.

"Dude, wh—"

"Bella's pregnant."

"Oh, dude."

"And she wants to give the baby up for adoption."

"Dude."

"I know. What the fuck do I do?"

"Wait. If she's pregnant, why the hell did she break up with you?" He narrows his eyes at me. "What did you do?"

Why does everyone assume everything's _my_ fault?

_Because you're a dick._

Fuck.

I haven't told anyone exactly what went down that afternoon, but Emmett's my best friend. If I can't tell him, who _can_ I tell? But he also loves Bella like a sister, and he might just beat the shit out of me because the fact is, I _was_ a complete dick to her.

"A few days before we broke up _officially,_ she came by while I was studying for a test."

_"Hey, baby. How were your classes?" I asked, briefly glancing at her before turning back to my books._

_Bella let out this weird snort-sniffle, and I turned fully around to see tears streaming down her cheeks. Her eyes were red-rimmed, her nose a bright pink, and she wouldn't look at me. _

_I rushed over to her as she closed my door and stood uncertainly in front of it, wringing her hands. _

_"Baby? What's wrong?"_

_A sob broke free from her chest, and she collapsed against the door, covering her face and crying harder than I'd seen anyone cry since my dad's funeral._

_"Edward," she said through her tears, dropping her hands. "I'm so… so sorry. I don't know… how it happened. I…"_

_"What? Bella, you're scaring me."_

_"I… I'm… Shit." She squeezed her eyes shut. "I'm pregnant." _

_That was the absolute last thing I expected her to say, and my stomach fell to my feet, a cold sensation spreading through my body at the same time. _

_Pulling back from her, I just stared at her face for a second, trying like hell to process what she'd just said. _

_"Pregnant?"_

_She nodded, her big, glassy brown eyes searching mine._

_I took a few steps back, running a hand through my hair and trying to catch my breath. "How… What? I mean… How?"_

_"Are you seriously asking me where babies come from?" she asked with a timid smile._

_For some reason, her teasing pissed me off to no end, and I exploded. __"Who the FUCK got you pregnant?"_

_Bella reared back like I'd slapped her and narrowed her eyes at me. "_**You**_ did, you asshole." Her tone dripped with venom. _

_"No fucking way." I shook my head as though I could shake the reality of the situation away. My hands gesticulated wildly as I spoke. "There is no fucking way I got you pregnant. You're on the pill, and we almost always use condoms."_

_"Yeah. The key word being almost," she retorted. "And the pill isn't a hundred percent effective. Nothing is."_

_"So… what? You forgot to take your pill? Did you fucking _plan_ this?"_

_The pain and disbelief in her eyes told me no, but I was too shocked and pissed off to think straight. _

_"Are you insane? Why the hell would I want to get pregnant when we both have so much school left? I'm not _stupid_."_

_"Are you sure?" At her incredulous look, I shook my head and clarified. "I mean, are you sure you're pregnant? Have you been to the doctor?"_

_"Yes." My heart sank as the last shred of hope it wasn't true disappeared, and I clenched my eyes shut. "I'm about six weeks along."_

_My eyes flew back to hers. "Six weeks?" _

_"Yeah," she said like it was a dumb question._

_Getting right in her face, I seethed, "I was in Chicago six weeks ago for Spring Break, so just who… the _FUCK_ were you screwing behind my back?" I could barely breathe, thinking about her with someone else, but that was the only thing that made sense to me right then._

_Bella slammed her little hands against my chest, and the shock, not the force, was what made me stumble back._

_"You fucking asshole!" she screamed through angry tears. "For your _fucking_ information, they add two weeks on at the beginning of the pregnancy, so I'm pretty sure I was screwing YOU four weeks ago. But you know, I better check since I'm such a gigantic whore and all." Her chest was rising and falling so rapidly, I thought she was going to hyperventilate. "I don't know why I thought you might act like an adult for once in your life or maybe be just a _little_ bit supportive. I guess I should've remembered you've never once said you love me." She shook her head, tears still falling rapidly down her cheeks. "I guess I _**am**_ fucking stupid after all." The fight left her body then. "Let me know if you ever decide to grow up." And before I could say anything else, she was gone._

"She wouldn't talk to me for the next three days, and well, you know the rest. Except today I went over there to talk to her. I want to be there for her however I can, and I want her back. But she won't give me another chance, Em. And now she wants to give our baby away, and I don't even know how to process all of this, and… _Fuck_."

"Dude," Emmett says again, blowing out a heavy breath and shaking his head at me.

"Yeah."

"You really never told her you love her? Because it's pretty fucking obvious you do. At least to me."

"No. I mean, I know fuck-all about love. I didn't know that's what it was. I just know I want her with me all the time."

"Yeah, well, that's love. At least as far as I can tell. I mean, I know I love Rosie. If I knocked her up I'd probably be popping the question, and she'd probably say no and pop me in the head." He shakes his head again. "Anyway, I should _pound_ your ass for the things you said to that girl, but I think you're suffering enough right now. You need to get your head out of your scrawny ass and make this right. Man up or whatever the fuck you need to do."

"I know, dude. And I fucking _tried_, but I had to get out of there to think after she dropped that news on me. _Fuck_. I have to fucking sign away my rights to this kid. I mean… it's _my _kid. I know she wouldn't cheat on me. I don't know what the fuck was going through my head when I accused her. I just panicked and couldn't make sense of anything." And I wanted more than anything for it not to be true. So why am I holding on so tight to this baby _now_?

I sink my hands into my hair and shake my head. I _still_ can't seem to make sense of any of this.

A rapid, heavy knock on my door breaks me out of my spinning thoughts, and when I pull it open, Riley's standing there with this indignant look on his stupid face.

"I know you're the one who blew shaving cream all over my room last night, Cullen. Admit it."

"Yeah, I fucking did it. So what?" I tilt my chin up at him.

"So, you're a fucking douche, man. What the fuck did I do to _you_?"

"You know exactly what you did," I say, pointing my finger in his face and backing him up into the opposite wall. "You stay away from my girl. You hear me?"

That dickhead fucking laughs at me. "She's not your girl anymore, asshole. Or did you not get that memo? Bella is a _prime_ piece of a—"

My fist pops him hard in the mouth before he can finish that sentence, and he stumbles to the side, holding his hand over his bleeding lips.

Leaning down and getting right in his face, I grab him by his shirt and lift him up a bit. "You don't fucking talk about her like that, you got me? She _is_ mine, and you better fucking remember that." I shove him into the wall before dropping him back to the floor, and he groans.

_Pussy._

Flexing my hand, I turn around to see Emmett in the doorway of my room. His expression is mostly impassive. It's not like fights are new around here. There's so much testosterone raging through this house, it's bound to happen.

"Dude, this is a shitty situation all around, but Bella was good for you, man. I hope you can fix this," he says, clapping me on the shoulder, before going back out to the living room.

"Yeah," I say quietly, even though he can't hear me. "If only I knew how."

* * *

**Yeah... So...**

**Big thanks to Nic for rec'ing this story for Fic of the Week on TLS! Make sure you go vote for your favorites! (note the web address change) tehlemonadestand dot blogspot dot com**

**Don't forget I'm co-hosting the Friends to Lovers contest with the lovely Lellabeth. You still have lots of time left to get your submissions in, and we can't wait to read them! Search writer FriendsToLoversContest here on ffn for more details!**

**Thank you all so much for reading! I know this was a tough one. xoxo**


	7. Lines

**A/N: Thank you all SO much for sticking with me and leaving me such thoughtful reviews! You all are amazing.  
****While I agree with those who've said it takes two to tango, and Bella should have told him all the ways he was fucking up before the shit hit the fan, I don't know anyone who was an expert at relationships at their age. I would also say it's hard to communicate effectively with someone like Edward as he is at the beginning. And I know women who have been married for years who still expect their husbands to just read their minds, so… With that said, yes, you're right, but Bella's not perfect either. And who says she didn't try, and he just didn't listen? :)**

**Huge thanks to my girls: Twilly, Twilightladies, LyricalKris, and Lellabeth!**

**SM owns all things Twilight. All mistakes are mine.**

* * *

**Chapter 7 - Lines**

**BPOV**

The spring semester is just coming to an end, but a lot of us are staying to take summer classes. Last he told me, Edward was planning to stay at the frat house because they only have to pay one month's rent for the entire summer. Must be nice.

Rose, Alice, and I will be staying here in our apartment. I was afraid one or both of them would go home for the summer, and I'm so grateful they'll be here with me. I don't want to be a burden on them, but I know I'll need to lean on them for support while I sort through this mess that is now my life.

I do my best to study for my finals, but it seems like all I do lately is cry. And crying just makes me want to sleep. I'm barely hanging on to my job at the bookstore, which I sorely need to make ends meet. Telling my boss I'm pregnant is a scary prospect, but I can only hope she'll be understanding.

I skate by on my exams and pass, but I know it wasn't my best effort.

I resolve to do better. To _be_ better. For myself and for this baby. Even though I won't parent him or her, I want it to be proud of me. I want it to know that the sacrifice I made was worth _something._

Being from a miserable little town in the Northwest, I saw so many girls from my high school get pregnant and settle for staying there, but not me. I can't be that girl. I'm the first in my family to go to college. I can't quit school and go back home to work at the Thriftway and raise this baby alone.

I just _can't_.

This baby deserves better, too. It deserves two parents who can provide everything it wants and needs, who are mature and stable enough to handle it. Two parents who will love and support it, always.

* * *

Summer passes in a blur.

In early June, I finally find the guts to tell my dad about the baby. I know he'll start getting bills for my doctor visits, so I have to tell him sooner than I really want to.

He's disappointed in me, but he also offers words of support and comfort in his own quiet way. He's proud of my decision, and he pretty much wants to kill Edward. It's a good thing we don't live close to him.

I meet with Diane several times and attend counseling at the adoption center. It helps me so much, talking to other expectant birth mothers and some who've already placed their children.

I know I'm doing the right thing for this precious baby.

Alice and Rose have been wonderful, taking me to doctor's appointments and sometimes going with me to the adoption agency.

Things have remained somewhat tense between Edward and me. We've talked a few more times since I told him what I want to do, but I've shut down any further attempts he's made to 'win me back'. My mind can't even go there right now.

I let him know there's counseling for birth parents at the adoption agency and that Diane strongly recommends it for both of us. I've also told him how much it's helped _me_ to go, but I don't think he's gone yet.

He did ask to go to one of my doctor's appointments, but I said no because I think it would make things too difficult. I know I would lie there and imagine we could be together and parent this baby, and I just don't think I could handle that.

Edward says he doesn't want to make things harder for me, but he's still torn about the adoption. And I get it. It's a huge decision, but I have no doubt he'll soon realize it's the right one.

For all of us.

* * *

At the beginning of August, I have my second ultrasound. The first one was when I was barely pregnant, so it just kind of looked like a gummy bear, but I'm a little terrified of seeing it this time. It's going to look like an actual baby, and I hope I'm strong enough to deal with all of this.

Diane prepared me as best she could. She said it's perfectly normal to feel a strong attachment, but I just need to keep in mind all the reasons I'm going forward with adoption.

But when that image appears on the screen, living and _squirming_, all I can see is me holding this sweet baby and playing peek-a-boo and tickling its feet.

Alice squeezes my hand, and I have to clench my eyes shut for a minute and remember my reasons: I'm not ready. Edward isn't ready. We're not together. We both have several more years of school left. This baby deserves more. It deserves better than what I can give it.

It deserves everything.

"Would you like to know the sex?" the ultrasound tech asks.

"Um." I glance up at Alice, and she just gives me a sympathetic smile. "Sure. I guess."

"This little one is cooperating, so I should be able to get a good shot."

She maneuvers the wand over my now very noticeable bump, pressing hard and making my full bladder want to burst. And then she stops down by the baby's legs, which are moving around and kicking a little.

"See those three lines there?"

I squint a bit and nod when I make out what she's showing me.

"That means it's a little girl. Congratulations!"

Swallowing thickly, I thank her, fighting the tears that are gathering in my eyes.

A baby girl.

With copper curls and big brown eyes. Or dark hair and green eyes. Edward's nose and my lips. Or…

_Stop. _

_She's not yours._

The tears are sliding into my hair now, and I need out of this suddenly-too-small room. The tech has already checked everything else, so I ask if she's finished.

If I can _go_.

She mentions the pictures she's printed off, and I beg Alice to take them as I right my clothes and slip into the adjacent bathroom to pee. When I'm finished, I take a deep breath and walk out, keeping my head down and assuming Alice will follow me.

I just barely keep it together during the visit with the OB afterward, but thankfully, everything looks good. I don't ask any questions, so we're out of there pretty quickly.

The drive home is quiet, and when we walk into the apartment, I stop short, making Alice bump into me. Edward's there, sitting on the couch with an untouched glass of water in front of him.

He stands and rubs his palms on his thighs. "Hey. Sorry. Rose let me in."

"She did?" I ask incredulously. She's been wanting to beat his ass ever since she found out I was pregnant, and when Emmett relayed what Edward told him about our fight, she was threatening full-on murder.

"Yeah." Edward clears his throat. "But she left. She said she couldn't stay and guarantee she wouldn't kick me in the balls."

The corners of my mouth lift for a second at that, and so do Edward's. But then I school my features again.

I almost hate seeing him now. My resolve weakens every time I'm in the same room with him. I know he wants another chance, but I just don't see how it could work. He's hot-headed and immature, and if we're together, I'm going to want to try to raise this baby with him when I know that's not the right thing for her.

_Her. _

_It's all about her._

"How did your appointment go?" he asks.

"Um, fine." I clear my throat.

"I'm just going to head over and see Jas," Alice says, and I turn toward her, feeling guilty about her discomfort—and the fact that I almost completely forgot she was even there.

Grabbing her hand, I give it a little squeeze. "Thank you for today."

"No problem," she replies with a small smile. She gives me a quick hug and then walks back out the door.

My hand automatically rubs my little bump as I walk over to the recliner, and Edward's eyes are glued to the motion. Dropping my hand, I get comfortable in the chair and sigh.

"Can I… get you anything?" he asks.

"Oh. Um, no. I'm fine. Thanks."

"Okay. So, how did it go?"

"Fine. Everything's fine. All the organs are normal. Ten fingers and ten toes and all that." I look down at my bump and smile.

"Oh, okay. Good." He gulps down some of the water and then sits back, staring at the coffee table.

"I found out the sex."

His eyes fly to mine. "You did?"

"Yeah." I clear the emotion out of my throat. "It's a… little girl." Looking down at my wringing hands, I once again fight off tears.

"Wow," Edward says on an exhale. "That makes it feel a lot more real or something. Y'know?"

I nod, because I do know. It's definitely real.

"What if…" he starts, and I look up to see him running a hand through his unruly hair. His left knee is bouncing. "What if one of our parents could take her?"

I shake my head because I've already thought of that. "I wouldn't even begin to know where to find my mom, and I wouldn't trust her with our baby anyway. And my dad couldn't raise a baby by himself." Sighing, I run a hand through my hair, pulling out the loose strands that seem to have increased in quantity lately. "And with your mom's fibromyalgia, it would be too difficult for her, especially without your dad around to help. I wish it was an option, but…"

"Shit. You're right. I just…" He scrubs his hands up and down his face a few times. "I just hate this."

"I know. I do too, but it helps me a lot to keep remembering what's best for _her_." Looking down, I rub my belly a little. "Diane said we can find adoptive parents who are okay with open adoption. That way we'll know how she's doing and maybe even see her here and there. I think that would be a good option for us. I'd hate to just never hear anything about her ever again."

"Yeah," he says, blowing out a heavy breath. "I guess that's the best option. I'll uh…" He clears his throat. "I'll go with you… to the place, and um…" He heaves another sigh, and his eyes flit to my stomach and then back to my face. "I'll do whatever you need me to do."

* * *

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	8. Stubborn

**First, I am seriously blown away that this was voted into the top 5 for The Lemonade Stand's Fic of the Week. Thank you all so very much!**

**Second, I think I replied to every review from last chapter. *wipes brow* Thank you so much for giving me your thoughtful words! If I somehow missed you, I am truly sorry. **

**Third, ginormous thanks to my prereaders/betas: Twilightladies, LyricalKris, Twilly, and Lellabeth. These ladies are amazing!**

**Double thanks to Twilly for holding my hand when I got too scared of the angst. She took a lot of time to talk me down and talk me through it, and I can't even begin to thank her enough.**

**SM owns all things Twilight. All mistakes are mine.**

_Previously: "I'll do whatever you need me to do."_

**Chapter 8 - Stubborn**

**BPOV**

My tears spill over, warring senses of relief and loss blasting through me.

It was so stressful to be alone in this choice, but I couldn't force him. I wanted him to come to the decision on his own, and I'm glad he has. Hopefully things will be a bit smoother now that we're on the same page.

Edward comes over and pulls me out of the chair, hugging me to his chest. "I'm sorry. Please don't cry. I never wanted to make things harder for you. I know this is the right thing. I know that. As much as I don't want to give her up, I know I can't give her what she needs right now." A gust of his breath blows over the top of my head. "I'll be honest," he says, swallowing audibly. "I think part of my reluctance was because I was trying like hell to hang on to this last thread that connects us. I didn't want to lose you completely." His arms squeeze around me. "But I realize now that I already have, and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for being a shitty boyfriend and for the things I said to you that day. I was a complete dick, and I know I hurt you so much, and I…" A shaky sigh pushes his chest against my face.

"It's okay." I sniffle against his t-shirt. "I mean, it's _not_ okay, but it's over. We just need to try to move on now and deal with the adoption."

Edward pulls me back by my shoulders, and his gorgeous eyes pierce mine. "But I don't _want_ it to be over, Bella. Please. I just… Why can't we just do this together? I can be better. I want to be there for you. Why won't you just _let_ me?"

His words pull at my chest, at that part of me that's still desperately in love with him.

But I just can't.

Shaking my head, I close my eyes and try to explain. "It's not that simple, Edward. There's too much hurt between us. And if we're together, it would be even harder to imagine placing this baby because I would fantasize about raising her with you." I wipe a few tears away, looking up at him. "As much as a huge part of me wants to do that, I know it's not the right thing for her. I have to _constantly_ remind myself of that. She shouldn't have to be deprived because my birth control pills failed." I shake my head again. "And the truth is, the reality would fall extremely short of the fantasy because raising a child is _crazy_-stressful, even under the _best_ of circumstances and even on the most stable of relationships. I don't want her to experience a parent walking out on her like I did. I know there are no guarantees, but..." More tears fall from my eyes, and his are glassy and red now. "We were far from stable, Edward."

"I realize that now," he murmurs. "I know my anger issues were a problem... among other things." He runs a hand through his hair.

"It wasn't just you, though." I've figured some things out since we broke up, and he should know I don't blame him completely. "I let things get to the point where I was unhappy, but I didn't _do_ anything about it. We never really communicated with each other. We hardly _ever_ talked about anything important. Anything _real. _I think we _thought_ we were in a serious relationship, but we were really just hanging out and having sex."

"But you met my mom and everything," he interjects. "I've never introduced a girl to my mom before."

I give him a warm smile because I agree that's a big deal, especially for him. "We'll still be in each other's lives, Edward. In some way or another. I just can't be _with_ you right now. It would make things too hard. Can't you understand that?"

"No, Bella. I can't," he says, shaking his head, and I huff at his stubbornness. "I miss you so much. I don't know what else to do. Please." He bends his head and presses his lips against mine, and I stiffen in his hold. "Please," he repeats against my lips.

The part of me that still loves him, that still wants him more than anything, relaxes and responds after a beat, whimpering and kissing him back.

My mind tries to remind me that, among other things, he basically called me a cheating whore. He accused me of getting pregnant on purpose to ruin his life, and he definitely did _something_ with Lauren Mallory a week or so after we broke up, but… My heart and body tell my mind to shut the fuck up. They remind it that I love Edward and that, at five months pregnant, I'm horny as _hell_ right now.

My hands pull at the back of his neck, trying to bring him as close as possible as he deepens the kiss with a groan. "God, I've missed you, baby," he says into my mouth.

"Me too. Oh, _God_," I moan as his hands grip my ass and squeeze. He presses me against his erection, and I can feel myself getting wet already.

My body has most definitely missed him.

His tongue strokes mine deliciously, and I melt against him, winding my arms around his neck. But when he brings one hand around to the hem of my t-shirt and it grazes my bump, I freeze again. His warm hand slides over where our baby is, and it's too much.

"Edward, stop."

"No, please, Bella. Let me make you feel good. Please." His hand continues up to my now fuller breast, cupping and squeezing. "Please," he whispers again. "I just want to make you feel good." He pinches my nipple, something he knows I love, making me gasp and let out a breathy moan.

_Damn these pregnancy hormones._

After pulling the cups of my bra down, he suddenly has both nipples between long fingers, rolling and pulling, turning me into a quivering mess.

"_Fuck_," I breathe out. "Edward. Bedroom."

He grabs my hand and pulls me into my room. Walking me backward to the bed, he pulls my t-shirt over my head. Frantic to be closer to him, to feel him against my skin again, I waste no time in unclasping my bra and letting it slide off my arms. When I fall back on the bed, he lifts my legs and pushes me farther up the mattress, quickly tugging at my little shorts with the elastic band around the waist. My panties go next, and I'm completely exposed to him.

It's nothing new. But the bump is. And the fact that we're not together.

But when he reaches back and grasps the neck of his t-shirt, pulling it over his head, I can't think about anything but the miles of tan skin that have been revealed to me, stretched taut over his cut torso.

_God._

Edward straddles my legs and leans over me to pull a nipple between his lips, and I run a hand up the back of his head, reveling in having his mouth on me again. With a quiet pop, he releases me and blows warm air across my wet skin, still above me but not putting any weight on me. My moan sounds too loud in the room, and I clamp my lips shut, squirming a bit as he does the same to the other nipple.

"Let me hear you, baby," he murmurs.

"_Edward,_" I groan as he drags his tongue up between my breasts. Kissing his way back down my sternum, he ignores my bump, which is probably for the best, and drops down to my center, wrapping his big hands around my thighs. One long lick right up and over my clit has me arching off the bed and squeezing my eyes shut. "_Fuck_."

"Damn, I missed this. You taste _so_ fucking good."

My mind is lost to the flood of sensations that threaten to drown me. Long fingers digging into the soft skin of my thighs. Determined lips and tongue working to bring me closer to release. Light stubble scraping my sensitive flesh.

I know I should stop this, but I can't.

Edward sucks my clit between his lips, flicking it with his tongue, and I cry out his name. Grabbing fistfuls of my hair, I shake my head from side to side, my body twisting and arching. My hands move to squeeze my breasts as his tongue works me over, and then they dive into _his _hair, pulling and scratching, eliciting a deep groan from him.

It's all so familiar… but new at the same time.

Edward flattens his tongue against my clit and gives it several slow licks, driving me insane with the intense zaps of electricity that don't come quite fast enough to let me fall over the edge. Pushing two long fingers into me, he keeps up his attention with his tongue, and I can't stay still for him. I'm a writhing mess, but he keeps my hips pinned to the mattress as best he can.

I'm hyper-sensitive, and everything almost feels like too much. Pulling him impossibly closer by his hair, I roll my hips against his face, and he gives me an encouraging moan, sending delicious vibrations through me.

Seconds later, my body stiffens and shudders, and I cry out indecipherable words as the euphoria rushes over me.

As soon as I come down from the best orgasm I've had in months, a prickling awareness spreads over my naked skin, and I look down my body to see Edward unbuttoning his shorts.

_Oh, God. What did I do?_

"Edward."

He stops and looks up at me expectantly.

"We can't do this," I tell him, shaking my head. "I mean, I want to, but… we shouldn't."

He sighs and slumps down on his haunches, bowing his head. "You think it'll hurt the baby?"

"No. That's not it." I shake my head and offer him a sympathetic smile. "I'm sorry. That felt incredible, and I just got caught up, and these damn pregnancy hormones make me so horny, and I still love you, and—" I clamp both hands over my mouth, my eyes widening as I realize what I just said.

I never told him I loved him before.

His eyes pin me to the mattress as he moves to hover over me again. "You love me?"

"Shit," I whisper. "Yes, but it doesn't change anything."

"Like hell it doesn't."

"Edward," I murmur, shaking my head again. "It doesn't matter how much I love you. It just won't work out for us. It _can't_. Too much has happened."

He cups my cheek, and I instinctively lean into it, closing my eyes.

"Bella," he whispers. "I love you too."

My heart gives a resounding thump against my ribs. I've wanted to hear him say that for _so_ long. But…

My eyes fly open and narrow at him. "If that's true, you've got a funny way of showing it."

"I was just scared, Bella. I don't know how many times I can say I'm sorry. Please, you have to forgive me. _Please_."

I squeeze my eyes shut. "I was scared too, Edward. I still am. But there's no excuse for the things you said to me."

"I know," he says quietly.

"I know you've said you didn't mean everything you said that day, but the fact is, you said it. You meant it at the time, and I can't unhear it," I say, gesturing at my ear. "I can't erase the way those words from you, the person I love the most, made me feel. That conversation plays on a near-constant loop in my head. And someday I'll be able to forgive you, but not now. I just can't."

"Okay." He nods. "I hear you. You need more time." He places a sweet kiss on my nose, but I don't get distracted.

"And the other reasons for us not to be together are still there too. It's not just one thing, and you know that."

He sighs in defeat. "You always were stubborn," he teases, breaking the tension a little.

"You mean strong," I say, lifting my chin and an eyebrow.

"Well, okay. That too. But definitely stubborn. Now that I know you love me back, though, I can work with stubborn."

I smirk at him and shake my head. "Pretty sure _you're_ the stubborn one. But then I guess you need to be to make it as a lawyer."

Edward smiles my favorite smile at me. "Bella…" He leans down and lays a soft kiss on my lips. "Please let me make love to you." I start to speak, and he cuts me off. "I know it won't mean we're back together. I know. I just need to feel you. And maybe we can be… I don't know, friends with benefits or something." As my eyebrows climb my forehead, he rushes to continue. "I mean, you said it yourself. You're horny because of the pregnancy, and I hope you don't want to be with anyone else. _I_ definitely don't want to be with anyone else. So, please…" He drops his hips to mine, careful not to put weight on my belly, and rubs his hard length against me, pulling a traitorous moan from me.

"What about Lauren?" I shoot back, instantly regretting it but needing to know.

His jaw clenches. "I _told_ you. Nothing happened with Lauren that night."

His hips continue to slowly move against me. He's _so_ hard, but as good as it feels, I can't let this go. Even though we weren't together when whatever happened happened, we had _just_ broken up. Not to mention the fact that he knew I was carrying his baby, and Lauren has always done nothing but try to make me feel shitty about myself and undermine my relationship with Edward.

I've let it linger in the back of my mind for months. I can't _not_ ask about it.

"What about the night Rose saw her go into your room before that?"

"_Fuck_," he whispers, closing his eyes for a second and stilling his hips. "I didn't fuck her. I swear to _God_, Bella. I was so fucking drunk, I barely even remember anything. She tried to give me a blowjob, and I didn't even fucking get it up. I don't want her. I'll never want her or anyone else. Please, baby. Can we just…" He thrusts against me again, and my back arches at the sensation.

I squeeze my eyes shut, trying like hell to get the mental images of him with Lauren sprawled out on top of him out of my head. And now I know she had her hands and her filthy mouth on his dick too.

A shudder runs through me, and it's not one of pleasure.

"Shit," I hear him say. "Please don't do that, Bella. Don't let someone who means less than nothing to me ruin this. She's like a fucking gnat or something, always around, always in my face, but if I could, I'd swat her away." He falls to my side and pulls me in to his chest, and the way he holds me doesn't feel like 'just friends'.

It feels like love and regret and hope and loss.

It's torturous bliss.

* * *

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**EPOV up next. **

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	9. Painful

**A/N: I apologize for not getting to all the review replies for the last chapter. I had an out of state wedding that I was in, so things have been crazy for the past week. **

**Huge thanks, as always, to my pre-readers/betas: LyricalKris, Lellabeth, Twilightladies, and Twilly. I luff them!**

**SM owns all things Twilight. All mistakes are mine. **

* * *

**Chapter 9 - Painful**

**EPOV**

My heart thumps in my chest as I hold Bella against me, her little bump pressing into my abdomen.

_Our daughter._

Shit, I can't think like that. She's going to be someone else's. It fucking kills me, but I know it's the best thing.

It's not like I actually want a kid right now or am delusional enough to think I'm ready for one, but just knowing Bella is growing _our_ child in her belly has awakened something in me that I didn't even know was there. I've always felt protective of Bella, but it's even stronger now. It extends to the little person inside her too.

Having her in my arms like this again is amazing. It fills me up with this feeling I can't even describe. It tingles through my whole body—this _warmth_. But as much as I want her back, I know I probably don't deserve her yet.

My friends always joked that she could do better than me when we got together, and I thought they were just being dickheads. Now I realize they were only half-joking, if at all.

Maybe I smoked too much with Jasper. Maybe I laughed off Lauren's and other girls' advances a few too many times. Maybe my anger got the best of me more often than not. Maybe I got too caught up in my video games and ignored the beauty lying on my bed just inches away too often. Maybe I let her spoil me too much, and I _definitely_ didn't spoil her enough.

It would be nice if relationships came with a fucking manual. With Bella being my first real girlfriend, I had no idea what the hell I was doing, and I obviously didn't listen to her enough. I also ignored any advice I got from Emmett. His girlfriend's a bitch, so why would I want to model after them?

Of course, he and Rose are still together and have been for a long time, while Bella and I are… not.

I can't blame Bella for asking about Lauren, but _fucking_ Rose. She should've just kept her damn mouth shut. It wasn't like I _asked_ Lauren to come to my room. I'd gotten so drunk because I was upset about Bella, and I was almost to the point of blacking out when Lauren was doing whatever the hell she was doing to me. I remembered very little, and I only know for sure because I cornered her a couple days later in the library. Of course she misinterpreted that, and I once again had to push her away. But she pouted and told me I didn't even get hard and nothing happened. I'd never been so relieved in my entire life.

The thing is, though… I should _know_ when a girl's had her hands and mouth on me. Especially if it wasn't the girl I'm in love with.

I'm starting to think Bella's just too good for me, but I still want to try. I still _want_ to deserve her.

Someday.

Bella squirms a bit in my arms, and I only tighten my hold on her.

I'm not ready to let her go yet.

Running my fingers down her spine as I hold her, I move my hand to the swell of her ass and squeeze, making her moan and hitch her leg up over my hip. My hand grasps her thigh, gliding down to the back of her knee, and I pull her even closer, dropping my head and skimming my nose up her neck.

She smells like heaven.

"Edward…" It's both a plea and a warning.

"Shhh. Just let me love you," I murmur against her skin. "Just for a little while."

Pulling my head back, I look deeply into her brown eyes, shining with unshed tears, and my own eyes sting with the emotion welling up in me.

"Just for a little while," I repeat, moving forward and nudging her nose with mine.

Our lips meet again hotly, opening to each other and letting our tongues taste. Bella emits a little whimper, pulling at me with her hands on my neck the same way she has since the first time we ever kissed, and I'm lost to her.

If she lets me have her like this again and then pulls away, it might kill me. But I want it too much to care.

I start to roll her to her back, but she quickly breaks out of my hold and scoots away from me. My heart crashes against my ribcage as I look at her sitting there with both hands resting on her belly. "What's wrong? Did I hurt you?"

Bella shakes her head and gives me what I can only describe as a bashful look. "We can't… do it that way," she mumbles. "You'll have to get behind me, or I need to be on top."

Relief washes over me, and the light bulb finally goes off. "_Oh. _Okay, no problem," I say with a wink and a smile.

Bella snorts at me, amused. "Yeah, I'm sure it's not."

"So? Lady's choice."

Chewing on her bottom lip, she tilts her head to the side, scrutinizing me. "I think I want to be on top."

Smirking at her, I quickly shed the rest of my clothes and lie down in the middle of the bed with my hands behind my head.

Bella's dark eyes roam up and down my body, and she licks her lips before moving closer and finally straddling me.

"Do you have a condom in your wallet?" she asks as her hands come to rest on my ribs.

I nod at her but put my hands on her hips to still her when she moves to get it. "Do we, um…" I swallow hard. "Do we really need one? I mean, you're already pregnant."

I'm not trying to make a joke. I just want to feel all of her, especially if this is the last time. I'm not holding my breath that she'll go for the friends-with-benefits thing. Mostly because it's a lie. There's no way I could keep my real feelings out of it.

"Edward," she says softly. "I'm sorry, but I don't feel comfortable without one. It's been months since we broke up. It's not like I expect you to be celibate." She's looking down at her hands now, which are twisting nervously on top of her bump.

"Bella, I know I haven't given you reason to trust me. I should have told you about the incident with Lauren, but since nothing actually happened, I didn't think you needed to know. I get why it bothers you even though we were broken up. I do. I wanted to rip Riley's nuts off just for _talking_ to you that night in the kitchen."

She glances up at me. "I heard you punched him." Disappointment at my hot-headedness swims in her eyes, but she has no idea what that douchebag's really like.

"And I'd do it again in a fucking heartbeat for talking about you like that." Just thinking about it makes my blood boil again.

Her eyebrows furrow as an adorable, confused look takes over her face. "Like what?"

"It doesn't matter." I shake my head. "He was being disrespectful, and I shut him up. Let's leave it at that."

Bella sighs, and my hands squeeze her hips a little.

"I haven't been with anyone since you, I swear."

At her incredulous look, I throw up the trusty scout's honor sign with my hand, and she giggles.

"And I got tested after… you know."

"No one?"

"No."

"Not even a hand job?"

"Only from myself."

One side of her mouth tilts up. "I haven't been with anyone else either. That's probably obvious, but… Anyway." She gives me a weak smile, and I reach up to cup her cheek.

I want to say, "good", but that doesn't seem appropriate. And I'm trying really hard not to be an asshole.

"Okay. So…"

"So…"

Bella looks right into my eyes as she begins moving her hips and sliding along my cock, which is _painfully_ hard now. The girl I love has been naked for at least the last half hour and sitting on my cock for the last few minutes. And I _have_ been celibate, so yeah… _painful_.

My hand moves from her cheek to her neck, to her shoulder, her skin so soft and familiar. My fingers trace her collarbone as she moves. Groaning at the friction, I continue down to her breasts, which are a lot bigger than I remember. My other hand moves up so I can cup them both, feeling the extra weight, squeezing.

_God, I love these._

"I know," she murmurs, closing her eyes as I play with her nipples the way she loves.

Evidently this girl renders my brain-to-mouth filter useless.

Bella arches forward suddenly, lifting her hips a bit and pressing into my hands, and I moan, moving to squeeze her tits again, when I suddenly feel her hand on my cock. She's reached behind herself and grasped me to line up with her entrance.

_God, help me._

As she begins to ease down on me, my neck arches, and my head presses hard into the pillow, my eyes clenching shut.

It feels like it's been _forever_ since I've felt her like this.

Her wet heat pulls me in, and she's so fucking tight around me.

"_Fuuuck,_" we both draw out as she sinks down—hers breathy, mine gritty.

Her hands press down on my chest, branding me, and I want to keep their imprint there forever.

When she's fully seated on me, she lets out a heavy, shuddering exhale, and I groan loud and long because she's already so damn tight, but she squeezes around me, and _fuck_.

My gaze locks on hers as she slides up my shaft and back down in a long, slow stroke. Her lips part to release breathy moans as she does it again… and again… and again. Slide up… sink down… She tilts her hips back and forth as she lifts and drops, and it works my cock inside her fucking _per_fectly.

Bella's heavy tits sway in front of my face as she moves her hands to either side of my head. This brings her face closer too, and I reach up to run my thumb across her plump bottom lip, hoping she'll kiss me again.

She does, her eyes fluttering closed as she leans down. Sweet and slow. Tongues licking and stroking. Her hips continue to roll, and what little concentration I can muster is being put toward not blowing my load too soon.

Pulling back again, she keeps her eyes closed for a moment, and when they reopen, I can _see_ her love for me. It's _right there_.

How did I not pay attention before?

I knew she cared about me, probably suspected she loved me, but I never _really_ thought about it.

Damn, I really _was_ an idiot.

Still am. But I'll keep trying not to be.

Whether we keep the baby or not, I still want to be with her.

She needs time, though, and I'll give it to her.

I just hope it's not forever.

Speeding her movements, Bella bites her bottom lip and shudders, and I know that means she's made me hit her g-spot just right.

My hands grip her outer thighs. As much as I want to sit up and take control, I don't. I let her fuck me, let her use me to hit that spot and chase her orgasm.

Rubbing heavy circles against her clit with my thumb, I watch her face contort, her teeth sinking even deeper into her lip as she whimpers and squeezes her eyes shut.

I know she's close.

I _know_ her.

Love her.

She might forgive me someday, but I'll never forgive my_self_ for the ways I've hurt her.

Those thoughts drain from my head as she begins to pulse and ripple around me, and my balls tighten. I'm going to come any second.

She feels too goddamn good.

My thumb continues circling her slick and swollen clit, and she squeaks out, "Close," clamping down on me less than a minute later.

I don't want this to end, but I can't hold on. Grasping her hips tightly, I thrust up into her as she rides out her orgasm, scratching her nails down my chest and making me grunt at the pleasurable pain. The warm and tight and wet overwhelm me until I empty myself into her completely.

Spent and panting, I hold her as she stays on top of me for a moment, resting her head on my shoulder, puffing hot air against my neck. My hands glide up and down her back until she moves to sit up.

"I should… go get cleaned up," she says without looking at me.

My heart clenches as she pulls away, both physically and emotionally. It's pretty obvious she's trying to close herself back off and take back the part of herself she gave me for the past couple hours.

"Yeah. Um… me too, I guess." I'd much rather stay buried in her for the foreseeable future, but clearly that's not an option. Reluctantly removing my arms from around her, I sigh as the warmth of her body leaves me completely. It leaves me so cold, and I can already tell she's regretting this.

I run my hand down my face and stare at the ceiling while I wait for her to emerge from the bathroom.

_Please don't let her regret this._

That thought runs in a loop in my head until I realize several minutes have passed.

When it's clear she's not coming back into her room, I decide I'm just going to have to suck it up and deal.

After taking one good whiff of her pillow, I get up to find my clothes. Although it's the last thing I want to do right now, I know I have to give her the space she needs.

* * *

**Thank you for reading!**

**The deadline was extended by one week for the Friends to Lovers contest, so if you needed a little more time, you've got it! Search writer FriendsToLoversContest here on ffn or follow us on Twitter at FriendsToLover (note the lack of 's') for more info.**


	10. Hi

**Sorry for the delay on this! I had two out-of-town trips kind of on top of each other, and things have been hectic!**

**Big thanks to Lellabeth, Twilightladies, LyricalKris, and Twilly! These ladies are amazeballs.**

**SM owns all things Twilight.**

**All mistakes are mine.**

**Thank you all for your thoughtful reviews on last chapter! Let's see how these kids handle the aftermath...**

* * *

**Chapter 10 - Hi**

**BPOV**

Stupid.

I'm _so_ fucking stupid.

I don't know what, besides raging hormones, could have possibly made me think it was a good idea to sleep with Edward. I obviously wasn't _thinking_ at all.

But it was _incredible_. Being close to him. Feeling him inside me again.

Our physical chemistry was never the problem, though.

It can't happen again. That's all there is to it. I have to be strong and try to distance myself from him as much as can be possible right now. Surely I can manage that. We'll go to the adoption agency together, but that's it.

Maybe finally hearing him say he'll cooperate just softened me too much toward him. That kind of intense relief washes over you and relaxes everything. It lifts a heavy weight off your chest and helps you breathe a little easier.

Shaking my head at myself again, I wash my hands and pull on my robe.

My bathroom has a door leading into my room and one that leads out into the hallway. Deciding to get some water before I go back to talk to Edward, I step into the hallway, suddenly hearing loud music coming from one of the other rooms.

As I walk down the hall, I realize it's coming from Alice's bedroom at the end. I knock on her door to check on her because it's not really like her to blare music like this. When she doesn't answer, I assume she didn't hear, so I peek my head in.

Kelly Clarkson is belting out that she's already gone, and I see Alice sitting in the middle of her bed sobbing.

_Shit._

After turning down her music, I rush toward her, not hesitating to wrap my arms around her.

"What happened?"

Through sobs and sniffles, she tells me that she and Jasper got into a huge fight and may have broken up, and I'm in shock. I didn't think they ever fought. Like, ever. He's so mellow all the time. What would he have to get worked up about?

"I was talking to him about your appointment and how hard it was for you, and he just didn't get it. He said some really insensitive things that I won't tell you because I don't want to upset you. But what if it was me? I mean, what if _I_ had gotten pregnant. He'd just want me to…" She trails off with a faraway look in her eyes, and I can put two and two together.

"I'm so sorry, Ali." I rub her back because I don't know what else to do. I also find myself crying right along with her. I mean, it's _Alice _and_ Jasper_. They've been together for as long as I've known them.

I didn't meet them until last school year, when I was a sophomore and decided dorm-life wasn't for me. I hit it off with Rose and Alice right away, and Emmett and Jasper hung around quite a bit. That whole group has known each other since they were freshmen, but I'd never met Edward until this year because I'd always declined their invitations to go to the frat house, feeling too shy or awkward.

Alice and Rose had prettied me up for Halloween this last fall and insisted I go. And the rest, as they say, is history.

"He's just… I don't know," Alice says. "We started arguing, and everything started coming out. He said I was being irrational and unrealistic…_as usual_. And I called him an immature asshole. It just got so out of hand." She groans. "I always thought he'd eventually outgrow the pot thing. I mean, I hoped he would. But it's worse now than ever, and I threw that in his face too, even though I've never really said anything about it bothering me before. I just don't think he's ever gonna grow up." Her big gray, bloodshot eyes meet mine, watery and sad. "Do you think it's a frat thing? Do they all just perpetuate each other's immaturity or what? I don't understand it."

"I don't know, honey, but I really hope you two can work things out. I mean, you guys are just so—"

A door shuts down the hall; Alice gives a start, and I stiffen. "I thought Rose was at work," she says.

"It's not Rose." I'm too quiet. Guilty.

Alice pulls back from me and looks me up and down, no doubt seeing the telltale signs of what I was just doing not ten minutes ago. She gasps, forgetting her own troubles for a moment. "Edward's still here? You had _sex_ with him? You're back together?!" She's practically squealing.

It sucks that I have to burst her bubble. Shaking my head at her, I ask her to wait a minute as we hear another door shut. Edward probably thinks I'm hiding from him, and while I'm definitely confused about everything that just happened between us, I don't want him to leave thinking I'm upset with him.

I'm mostly upset with my_self_.

I step out into the hallway just as Edward does the same from my bathroom.

"Hey," he says, noticing me immediately. "There you are."

"Hey. Sorry. Alice…" I point my thumb lamely behind me.

His head tilts. "Is she okay?"

"She and Jasper got into a big fight and may have broken up."

"Oh, shit."

"Yeah, so…"

"I guess, uh…" He runs a hand through his beautifully messy hair, and this is _so_ awkward. "I should go see how he's doing?"

"Yeah, probably." My eyes begin to sting again as I look at him, recalling the ways he touched me just moments ago. The way he felt inside me. The way he told me he loved me.

"Or I could stay… a little longer. If you want. I mean, are you okay? Is Alice gonna be okay?"

Releasing a heavy breath, I reply, "Wow, those are some loaded questions, Edward." I shake my head. "I don't think any of us are okay right now."

He nods and murmurs, "I know."

We stand there in awkward silence for a solid minute, and I'm just about to speak when he finally does.

"So, uh… should I stay? I mean, do you want me to stay?"

Of course I _want_ him to stay.

"No, go ahead. Go talk to Jasper, and see how he's doing. We can talk later, okay?" _Because I have no idea what to say to you right now._

"Yeah. Okay. I'll just, uh…" He points toward the door, and I give him a small smile and nod before turning to go back into Alice's room.

She's blowing her nose and mopping up tears with some tissues, and I move to sit next to her again.

"So, what's going on?" she asks.

I watch my fingers twirl a piece of my hair as I answer her. "We _did_ sleep together, but we're not back together. I just got too caught up in him and made a really fucking stupid mistake. I mean, he was shirtless, and he's _so_ hot, and I still love him, and I've been _so_ horny, and _God._" Blowing out a heavy sigh, I finally look up at her. "I don't know what to do now. He said he knew it wouldn't mean we were back together, but he also told me he loves me. And as much as I want to believe him, I'm not sure he even knows what that means. I feel like he only said it because he misses me or something. Because why wouldn't he have said it before now, ya know?" I shake my head. "But then I never said it either." Alice gives me a sympathetic smile even though her world is falling apart. "Maybe we're _both_ clueless. I just wish I could forgive him, but I don't know _how_."

Alice places her hand on my arm. "It's okay not to know right now. I can't even imagine Jasper talking to me the way Edward did to you when you told him the news. It would be hard to ever look at him the same way again, to be honest."

"Yeah," I reply, nodding and wiping a fresh tear away. "I wish I had some brain bleach or something." We both chuckle through our tears. "Maybe after the baby's born, things will be easier. I don't know." I sniffle and straighten up. "Anyway, enough about me. Are you all right? Can I get you anything?"

Alice shakes her head. "I think I just want to sleep for now, but thanks." She gives me a hug, and I wish I could do something to fix things for her. But I can't even fix my own life lately, so I'm not sure how much good I'd be. All I can do is be there for her like she's been there for me.

After giving her another hug, I tell her to get some rest and head back to my bathroom for a shower. As I'm about to open the bathroom door, my hands fly to my belly when I feel a distinct flutter. I've felt a few little things here and there, but I was never sure it wasn't just gas.

This is definitely not gas.

Wiping another tear from my eye with a shaky hand, I look down at my bump and whisper, "Hi, baby girl."

* * *

**Thank you so much for reading. xoxo**

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	11. Witch

**I'm sorry for not getting to all the replies this time, but I truly appreciate every single review! I've been writing this and two other WIPs, not to mention keeping the geeklets alive. ;) Hopefully this longer chapter will make up for it a little bit. If you had a specific question that I missed, please feel free to PM me. **

**A million thank-yous to LyricalKris, Twilightladies, Twilly, and Lellabeth for their mad skillz!**

**SM owns all things Twilight. All mistakes are mine.**

* * *

**Chapter 11 - Witch**

It's been three days since Alice and Jasper's fight.

Three days since Edward and I slept together.

Three days since I felt the baby move inside me for the first time.

Edward wants to come over to talk, but I'm too afraid I won't be able to control myself, especially if he's willing to let me jump him again. So I ask him if we can talk on the phone instead.

Agreeing with a resigned sigh, he first asks how Alice is doing since she and Jasper haven't made up yet.

"Not great. She's been moping around in sweats, eating her weight in Kit Kats. I had to force her to shower yesterday. It hasn't been pretty."

"Yeah, Jasper's not much better off." He sighs. "Not even Animal Planet makes him happy lately." That makes me giggle despite myself, and Edward gives a low chuckle. "Anyway, I hope they can work it out, but to be honest, I'm much more concerned about _our_ problems right now."

"Yeah…"

He doesn't speak for a moment, but then a quiet, "Do you regret it?"

A heavy sigh blows past my lips and into the phone before I can stop it.

"I'll take that as a yes." His tone is clipped. Hurt. Pissed.

"It's not a yes, Edward." My hand pushes into my hair, grabbing at my scalp. "It's a yes and a no, I guess."

"Well, that's not confusing or anything."

His sarcasm makes a hot spike of anger burn through my chest. "You don't think I have the fucking right to be confused here? I'm just supposed to know all the answers, all the time?"

"Fuck, I don't know." He breathes out, clearly frustrated. There's a long pause before, "No. I guess not."

Releasing another heavy sigh, I offer him what I can right now. "I… enjoyed being with you again, Edward. I mean, of _course_ I did. It's just hard to sort through all these conflicting emotions and thoughts running around in my head." I pause a second, trying to figure out what I want to say. I've been thinking about it for the last three days, but I keep drawing a blank. I've already explained why I feel like we shouldn't be together right now, why I can't forgive him yet. I don't want to give him false hope that we're getting back together anytime soon because I don't see it happening before the baby's born. "I think… I need some distance right now."

"Shit. I knew you were gonna say that."

I can picture him running a hand through his hair, lying on his unmade bed. I miss being in that bed with him, miss the way he felt pressed up against me.

I shake that thought from my head and get my horny ass back on topic.

"I'm sorry," I say, because I am. I'm sorry everything's so fucked up. I'm sorry I can't just fall back into his arms like he wants. I'm sorry I can't forget all the hurt and humiliation, the anger and accusations. I'm sorry for so many things. "I'm sorry this can't be easy. It's just… not."

"I know," he murmurs.

"Do you?"

"Yes." He pauses for a moment, and I don't think he's going to keep talking, but he surprises me. "I've had a few days to digest everything you laid out there, all the reasons why we shouldn't be together right now, and as much as I hate it, I understand. I said I didn't want to make things harder for you, and I meant that. If being with me makes things harder... then I'll back off on the... wooing."

We both let out low chuckles at his word choice. He always was good at breaking the tension.

Feeling like a little bit more weight has been lifted from my shoulders, I take a deep breath. It almost feels cleansing. "Okay. So you're still willing to go to the agency with me, right?"

"Right."

"Okay," I breathe out. A small smile graces my lips at his immediate and supportive response. "We should go soon, so you can meet Diane and get the basics straight from her. I'd like to start looking at adoptive parents soon, and I don't want to do that without you."

"Yeah. I definitely want to be there for that."

More relief spreads through me. He's really going to step up and be in this with me. I'm still having a hard time believing it.

A sudden flutter in my abdomen reminds me of the first day I felt her and how I cried and cried, already anticipating being separated from her. I prayed for strength that night. I'm doing a bit better today, but I know it's only going to get harder to stay strong as the pregnancy progresses.

Some of the birth moms in our counseling group didn't rub their bellies or talk to their babies at all so as not to form an attachment, but I feel like it's already there. And I don't want her to feel unloved because I _do_ love her. I love her so much that I want a better life for her than the one I could give her.

"You okay?" Edward asks, and I realize I've been silent for a few moments.

"Oh. Yes. Sorry. It's just…"

"Just?"

"I've started feeling the baby move. It's a little… unnerving."

"Oh." A pause and a deep breath. "What does it feel like?" The almost childlike curiosity in his voice brings a smile to my face.

"It's really weird, actually." We both laugh. "It's like I've swallowed a fish bowl, and there's suddenly a fish in there, whose fins are brushing my insides as it swims around."

He laughs again.

"Yeah. Like I said. Weird."

"Um…" He clears his throat. "Are you doing okay with that?"

My eyes sting suddenly because I didn't think he'd pick up on the break in my voice. "I cried a lot the first time, but yeah. I'm, uh... I'm doing okay."

"When was the first time?"

"The same day you and I…"

"Oh."

"Yeah. Strange day all around, I guess."

"Yeah." He sighs. "Listen, I'm really sorry, but I have to get going."

"Oh. Okay." I can't deny the flash of pain that hits me when he doesn't say where he's going. The fact that I don't have the right to know or ask is hard to swallow even though I ended things. "I guess I'll talk to you later, then?"

"Yep. Have a good night, Bella." My name rolling off his tongue in his smooth voice still makes me break out in goosebumps.

I hate it.

"You too."

* * *

The next few weeks are busy but productive. School starts back up, and our schedules are hectic, but Edward and I find time to make it to the agency together.

Edward makes the effort with the adoption process as promised. Mostly. He's run late a few times and even missed an appointment, but he's trying. He responds well to Diane and really likes her, which is important. She's going to be our go-between for a long time to come.

We've looked at books filled with profiles of hopeful couples. Couples who have no children but want them desperately. Couples who have adopted some already but want more. We've looked at profiles of people trying to prove their worth to us through smiley photographs and flowery words.

It's overwhelming.

True to his word, Edward has backed off on trying to get back together with me, although sometimes I catch the longing in his eyes before he can hide it away. I'm sure he sees it in mine at times too, because I know it's there. It's not like I don't miss him, miss having fun and being carefree with him.

But being carefree is a thing of the past.

Most days, though, it still feels like my heart beats just for him. And the days I'm being honest with myself, it feels like it always will.

* * *

Alice and Jasper have made up, thank _God_. It only took about a week and a half, which was actually longer than we all predicted. It was the weirdest thing for those two to be apart. They were almost always joined at the hip. They finally talked things out, and now, they seem to be stronger than ever.

Jasper apologized to Alice _and_ me for his comment that it would have been easier if I'd just had an abortion. He was high, of course, and doesn't have much of a filter when he's high. I told him he was right. It _would_ have been easier in some ways but much harder in others, and it's just not something I could bring myself to do. He apologized again and said he was talking out of his ass and obviously had no idea what I was going through, and could I ever forgive him?

My answer was "probably."

He's eased up on the pot-smoking since then and started taking school more seriously. His GPA was average before, but he's striving for better this year. I think he and Alice will be just fine.

They, along with Rose and Emmett, have been a good support system for me and for Edward.

It's the middle of October, and tonight, we're having girls' night. Emmett and Jasper are going out for dinner and to see some new superhero movie Alice and Rose weren't interested in. Most of us had big tests this week, and my clinicals are kicking my ass, so we're taking a night to relax and have a little fun.

"The margaritas are ready!" Alice trills from the kitchen. She brings two out and stops in front of me, presenting me with a frosty glass full of lime green slush. "Virgin for you, madam," she says with a flourish in a deep voice.

"Why, thank you, Weatherby," I reply with a sniff in a terrible English accent.

She snorts and hands Rose her drink before returning to the kitchen for her own.

"Alright," Rose says, clapping her hands, "Bella's pick tonight. Action movie, chick flick, or eighties night?"

I turn to Alice, and she and I nod at each other before turning back to Rose. "Eighties night."

"Bitchin'," says Rose before heading over to the DVDs.

Halfway through _The Breakfast Club_, Alice asks, "Why don't we ever do nineties night? We weren't even born yet in the eighties."

"Because," Rose replies, "the nineties were all grunge and war, and the eighties were drugs and sex and bad hair. Way more fun."

"Oh, speaking of bad hair. Makeovers!" Alice squeals.

I groan, leaning back and propping my swollen feet up in the recliner. "Pass."

"You can't pass," she says in a completely serious tone. "It's eighties night. We always do makeovers on eighties night."

"It's also Wednesday, though. And on Wednesdays…" I give a dramatic pause, eyes widening. "We wear _black_."

"I am _not_ watching that shit."

"Pussy," says Rose.

"Yes. As a matter of fact, I do have a pussy, thank you very much. That only works on guys. I am not watching _American Horror Story_. No freaking way."

"Dude. The season premiere was SO good. Come on. We can watch it after this is over. Don't be a chicken."

Rose and I proceed to start clucking and flapping our arms at Alice.

"Okay. Okay! Fine. But if I have nightmares, I'm coming to sleep with one of you. And you know I'm a cover-hog."

"Not it!"

Shit, Rose is fast. I groan again, shivering already in anticipation of a night without my comforter.

After the movie ends, I run—okay, _waddle_— to my room to put on the witch's costume I bought for Halloween this year. Part of me didn't want to even bother with dressing up, but Alice dragged me to a costume store and basically forced me. She's tiny but powerful.

It stretches tight across my belly, but it still looks pretty cute. I put on my pointy hat and then settle back into the recliner for the start of _American Horror Story: Coven_, rubbing my hands together, excited for the new episode.

"Really, Bella? Your costume?"

"Shut up. I'm trying to have fun. You didn't get to do your makeovers, so go put on some black and watch the witches be eeeeevil."

Alice pulls a face at me but then shrugs and darts off to her room. Rose chuckles at our antics.

"That. Was. Awesome." Alice's gray eyes are big as saucers, staring at the TV as the credits roll.

"I know, right?"

"We _told_ you."

"I need to pee." That's Alice for once. Not me.

"Me too."

Left alone in the living room, I'm the only one who hears the knock on the door. Bitching and moaning about having to get out of the recliner, I waddle over and answer it, expecting Emmett and Jasper.

They're there, but so is Edward, laughing and smiling in a polo and jeans, a supple brown leather jacket hanging off his broad shoulders.

The visceral physical reaction is immediate and catches me off guard. One hand goes to my chest, and at the same time, I rub my thighs together. _God._ He hasn't been back here since that day. _The_ day. We've seen each other and talked, of course, but he hasn't been _here_, where my bed is… just a few yards away….

Turning his crinkled eyes on me, he smiles wider at my get-up, and seeing him smile like that makes a huge grin stretch across my own face. Emmett and Jasper decide to push past him and come inside. "Are those your cookies I smell, B?" asks Emmett as he sniffs the air on the way to the kitchen.

"You better not be smelling her cookies," Edward mumbles, and I let out a surprised laugh.

We've developed a tentative friendship in the weeks after our talk about my needing space and his easing up on _wooing_ me. We mostly only see each other when we're going to the agency, but it's been… nice. We weren't friends before we dated, and I like getting to know this side of him with sex off the table.

"You'd better get in there before he inhales them all."

They're Edward's favorite. Oatmeal, double-chocolate chip.

"Shit. You're right." He levels me with his killer smile but doesn't move just yet. "What's with the costume?" he asks on a laugh, touching his index finger to the point at the tip of my hat.

"We were watching _Coven_, and I felt festive." I shrug. "I'm wearing it to the Halloween party at the frat house. No Catwoman this year." My pout is only partially real.

"You're coming to the party?" He's surprised but doesn't seem unhappy.

"I think so. As long as I'm feeling okay." I smooth my hands over my bump. "Is that… okay?"

"No, yeah. Of course it is. I just didn't know if you'd feel comfortable. You haven't been to the house since…"

He doesn't want to say it, and I don't make him. _Since the night I saw Lauren's tits pressed against him._

Edward finally starts to step over the threshold, and I move to block him, feeling playful. "Be careful, now. If you come in, you might just fall under my spell." Laughing, I make sweeping motions with my arms and basically act like an idiot because it's been a fun night. I haven't let myself relax and have as much fun as I have tonight in _so_ long.

He steps in, smiling with a touch of sadness that I don't get right away. And as he walks past me, lowering his eyes, I hear a faint, "Too late."

* * *

**Thank you so much for reading! xoxo**


	12. Dizzy

**I hope you all had a wonderful holiday! **

**Huge thanks to LyricalKris, Twilightladies, Twilly, and Lellabeth**

**SM owns all things Twilight. All mistakes are mine.**

* * *

**Chapter 12 - Dizzy**

"Mm, nope." _Flip_ "No." _Flip _"Nope." _Flip _"No way."

"We have to pick someone, Bella."

"I know. They're all just too… _something_."

"Fake?"

"Yeah." She blows out a breath. _Flip _"Oh, this one isn't bad."

A couple smiles at us from the page, and she's right. They don't look fake. They look happy. In love. _Stable._

"Carlisle and Esme? Weird names."

She snorts. "Yeah, well. So are Emmett and Jasper. Get over it."

We both read the profile under the picture, and it seems promising. He develops software for healthcare systems, and she's a preschool teacher but is planning to stay home to raise the baby they adopt. They've been married for eight years and haven't adopted before. They live in a nice neighborhood in Northern California and have extended family nearby—a support system.

"Okay, let's put them in the 'maybe' pile."

"Okay, but I don't think you can really call one piece of paper a _pile_." That earns me a chuckle and an elbow in the ribs. "Mmph. Damn, your elbows are bony. Aren't you supposed to be gaining weight?"

Bella rolls her eyes at me. "Yeah, apparently in my ass. Not in my _elbows_."

"Your ass looks fine to me."

She gasps, but her cute scrunched-nose smile takes over her face, and her cheeks turn the sweetest pink. I love that I can be playful with her like this again.

Throwing her a smirk and a wink, I get back to flipping duty.

_Flip _"Nope." _Flip_ "Unh-uh." _Flip _"Newp."

I close the book. "I guess that's all of them. So we've narrowed it down to two. Angela and Ben or Carlisle and Esme?"

"I don't know. I like things about both of them." She chews on her thumbnail as her gaze darts between the two pages I've placed in front of her. "Do we have to decide today?"

"No, but you're due in less than two months. I think it's time to bite the bullet." I don't say _if this is what you want_ because she hates when I say things like that. She's trying to stay strong even as she rubs her belly and adjusts in her seat after getting kicked in the spleen or whatever organ the baby decides to hit. Sounds uncomfortable as _hell_ to be pregnant.

"Let's sleep on it. Can you come back in the morning before your first class?"

"Sure."

She gives me a grateful smile, and I give her my hand to help her up. I hide my disappointment when she slides her hand from mine after standing. I should be used to it by now, the pulling away, but it still hurts.

After taking the profile book back to Diane and letting her know we'll be back in the morning, we head to the parking lot. Walking a little behind Bella and to the side turns out to be the best seemingly inconsequential decision I've ever made, because halfway to our cars, she stops and sways, and if I hadn't been _right there_, she would have fallen.

"Shit, Bella. You okay?" My hands squeeze gently around her upper arms. Her back is pressed to my chest, and she cranes her neck to look up, wide dark chocolate eyes blinking at me.

"I'm sorry. I just got really dizzy all of a sudden. I should probably get home and rest before my genetics class."

"Home? Are you fucking crazy? I'm taking you to the hospital."

"No, Edward." She stands back to her full height and tries to shake off my hands. "I'm okay now. You can let go."

"Like hell I can," I mutter, turning her around to face me but not releasing her. "Do you still feel dizzy at all? Is your vision blurry? Do you have a headache?"

She smiles a beautiful, genuine smile at me. "Edward Cullen, have you been reading a pregnancy book?"

I look down at our sneaker-clad feet, toes almost touching. "Just some stuff online," I mumble.

As soon as I look back up, I see her eyes clench shut, and she shakes her head a little. "Damn. Dizzy again."

"Okay, that's it. Let's go. Can you walk?"

"I think so." Another step, another sway.

I bend down and scoop her up, eliciting a squeal. Bella's arms automatically loop around my neck, and I feel the tingles rush up over my scalp and down my spine from where her hands are touching my skin.

I know she'll never _not_ affect me like this, but now's not the time to dwell on it.

Adjusting her in my arms, I carry her swiftly to my car. She still seems to weigh next to nothing.

* * *

When we walked into the ER, they sent us directly over to labor and delivery, which scared the shit out of me. But I guess if it's during regular hours, all pregnant women are taken over there.

They've hooked Bella up to about eight billion machines and taken some blood. I need to sit down, but I'm too worked up.

"Stop pacing, Edward. You're gonna make me nauseous."

"Sorry." I park my ass in the chair by the wall and scoot it forward so I'm by her bed. My left knee bounces like crazy, but I can't stop it.

"It's gonna be okay," she murmurs.

"Uh-huh." I can't hide the shaking in my voice. "Can I...?" I ask as I reach forward and brush my fingertips over her hand.

Bella smiles at me. "Please."

Clasping her cold hand in my warm one, I kiss the back of it and then lay my forehead on it while my knee continues to bounce. When I feel her other hand sink into my hair and start to scratch lightly, a low, contented noise rumbles in my throat. "Shouldn't I be comforting _you_?" I ask without looking up.

"You are," she says quietly.

Peeking up at her, I see she's soft-smiling and relaxed, and some of the tension leaves me as her hand continues to rake through my hair.

Bella gasps suddenly. "Oh, no!"

"What? What?!" My heart threatens to race right out of my chest.

"Your Civil Procedure class! Shit, I'm sorry."

"Fuck, Bella." I clutch at my chest. "Don't do that to me. It's fine. I emailed my professor from my phone. This, _you,_ are much more important, okay?"

"Sorry...again."

My forehead drops back to her hand, and when I hear the door to her room open, my knee starts up again.

"Well, Bella, your blood pressure is still 152 over 94, which is quite high. As soon as I get the results from the urine test, we'll know a little more. For now, keep lying on your left side for me, and we'll recheck your BP in just a bit, okay?"

"Okay."

The doctor leaves, and Bella uses my hand as leverage to adjust herself a little on the bed.

The steady thump-swishing of the baby's heartbeat is the only noise in the room for a while, and I'm doing my best to stay calm. I _need_ to stay calm for her.

"Okay, Bella," Dr. Cargill says as she comes back in. "Your tests came back, and you do have some protein in your urine, which can indicate pre-eclampsia. However, it's not at a high level, so I'm going to keep you here for a few more hours and see what your BP does."

I look up to Bella, and my eyes sting as I see tears quickly gathering in hers.

"It's likely that you'll get to leave sometime today, but there's a chance we'll need to monitor you overnight. Are you staying with her, Dad?"

Hearing her call me 'Dad' startles me, and I don't even know what to say. "Um, uh," I splutter. "Yeah. I mean, yes. I'm staying with her." The look she gives me is completely warranted because I'm acting like a moron. I mean, I _am_ the dad, after all.

"Okay. Help her relax as much as you can." Addressing Bella again, she says, "If your pressure stays high for the next several hours, we'll be checking your urine again and go from there, okay? Any questions right now?"

"Um." Bella clears her throat. "What happens if I do end up having pre-eclampsia?"

"Well, it all depends on how severe it is. Hopefully we can manage it with medication and bed rest. If it's severe, you'll do bed rest here in the hospital for closer monitoring."

The color drains from Bella's face, and her eyes go wide.

"This goes away once the baby's born, right?" I ask the doctor.

"Right. That's the only cure for it. On that note," she says, looking back to Bella, "we want to get you as close to forty weeks as possible, but depending on how things go, you could deliver early, so keep that in mind." She pauses and makes a note on the chart in her hands. "Any more questions?"

"Um." Bella sniffles, and I squeeze her hand. "No. I don't think so."

After the doctor leaves, Bella just stares straight ahead, tears drying on her face.

"You okay?"

For a moment, I don't think she's going to respond, and then she gives me a faint smile. "I guess I won't be going to the Halloween party after all."

We both laugh softly. "Guess not."

"Oh, well." She sighs. "It's probably for the best. Being around all those drunk idiots sober probably wouldn't have been much fun anyway."

"I would've stayed sober and taken care of you," I tell her. I had already planned to do just that.

She smiles a grateful smile at me, and I lean forward, smoothing her hair back and kissing her forehead. Keeping my lips pressed there, I murmur, "Everything's gonna be okay, Bella."

"That's my line." A forced, shaky laugh follows her comment, and I know she's scared shitless just like I am.

* * *

"Do you need anything? I could go get you some lunch, maybe. It's after eleven."

"Um, yeah. That would be great, thanks. If you go to Taco Bell, I'll take a—"

"Mexican pizza, I know."

"With—"

"A _side_ of sour cream. Again, I know." I smile indulgently at her, and she blushes.

"It's just that if you ask for it on top, they use that weird caulking gun thing and just squirt a line across. It's… weird."

"Want me to write it down?"

"Shut up," she says on a laugh. "Oh, get me a caramel apple empanada too. And a Sierra Mist, please and thank you. There's money in my purse if you want to grab it."

_Yeah, right._

"It's on me."

"You don't have to do that. I have some cash. I just can't get up right now." She indicates all the wires she's hooked up to. "Just hand me my purse."

"Bella, it's the least I can do, okay? Now, shut it, and relax please."

"Fine." She huffs, and then a quiet, "Thank you, Edward. For everything. I'm so glad you're here with me."

My turn to blush. "You're welcome. Uh… I'll just go get the food. Be back soon."

"Okay."

* * *

Bella's blood pressure fluctuates some but stays higher than normal all afternoon. There's still some protein in her urine as well. The doctor tells her she can go home, but she's on strict bed rest.

Bella is panicking, to say the least.

"What about my classes? My job? I can't afford not to work." Her hands fly into her hair. "Oh, God. What am I gonna do?"

"We'll figure it out, Bella. Hopefully the meds they're prescribing will help, and you'll be back on your feet in no time."

"Yeah," she breathes out. "Okay. It's gonna be fine. Everything's gonna be just fine."

"That's right," I agree, nodding at her. "You're fine. Don't stress. That'll only make things worse."

"Right." She mimics my nod, eyes wide. "I just don't even understand how this happened. I've had such an easy pregnancy so far, and then bam. Bed rest."

"It's gonna be fine," I repeat. "You just need to worry about staying healthy."

I've read some stuff about this condition, and it's scary as fuck. My exterior is calm for her, but on the inside, I'm a little boy rocking in a corner.

* * *

I help Bella get settled in back at her apartment, and we let Alice and Rose know what's going on. When I grab my keys and head toward the door, Rose pipes up from the kitchen. "_Bye_, Edward. We'll take it from here. No problem."

I stop but don't turn around right away. Balling my hands into fists and rolling my neck around, I try to get my temper under control before I respond. Bella doesn't need any extra stress right now, and if blondie and I fight, that's exactly what she'll get.

Turning to face her, I reply, "I'll be back. I'm just going to the pharmacy for her meds and blood pressure cuff. Is that o_kay_ with you?" Okay, I might have gotten a little pissy there at the end and gritted my teeth, but _God_, she's infuriating.

"Oh." She sniffs and checks her nails. "Fine." And then she actually fucking shoos me with her hand.

My nostrils flare, and I roll my eyes at her but don't say anything as I walk out. I don't even slam the door.

I think I might be growing up.

* * *

**Thank you so much for reading! xoxo**


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